SAILOR MOON: MISCAST This promises to get a little (just a little?) weird. If you think I've succeeded, E-Mail the Flashman at MXJK67C@Prodigy.com. ____________________________________________________________________________ (It is a starry night in Tokyo Japan. There is an unnatural quiet in the air and all is still. Suddenly, a large explosion rips up from a building and out of the flames steps an impressive beast. It has black glossy skin, long white horns on its head, arms, and legs, a mouth full of white pointed teeth glimmer in the light as glowing green slime drips from them and the creature lets out an earth shaking roar. Suddenly, a group of five familiar shadows appear in front of the moon.) Middle Shadow: HOLD IT! Monster:(Turns towards the voice) GRRROOOOWWWLLLL!!!! (Light falls upon the shadows to revel the Sailor Senshi and of course the one in the middle is SAILOR MOON. She starts up her usual motions.) Sailor Moon: I am Sailor Moon, the Champion of Love and Justice! I shall be triumphant over wrongs and be victorious over evil. In the name of the moon, I'll... Voice:(From off camera) CUT! Moon: Huh? (The camera pulls back to show the DIRECTOR, a slightly pudgy man with a handle bar mustache, getting out of his seat and walking over to Sailor Moon.) Director: You made a mistake with your speech. Remember, your character can't say words like "triumphant" and "victorious" without a thesaurus. (Sailor Moon pulls a pair of glasses from out of nowhere and dons them.) Moon:(Adjusts glasses on her face) Oh my, I hope I can assuage your wrath from my erroneous lapse of character. Director: Just don't let it happen again, okay? Moon: Affirmitave. (Meanwhile the monster has walked up behind the Director.) Monster: GRRROOOOWWWWLLLL! ROOOAAAARRRR! GGGRRRRRAAAAARRRRR!!! Director:(Whirls on the monster) QUIET!!! Yeash, will someone turn this thing off! That does it, we're going to Suitmation! Somebody put out that fire! (Notices two figures absent from the Sailor Senshi lineup) WHERE THE HELL ARE VENUS AND JUPITER?!? Mars:(Saucily) Where do you think they went honey. They went to their trailer for one of their "special talks". Director:(Muttering to himself) I could have had those two cast as Uranus and Neptune but noooooo, Naoko HAD to have them as Jupiter and Venus. (Aloud) Somebody get my Pepto, something tells me I'm gonna need it today. (Setsuna walks on) Setsuna: You called? Director: I SAID PEPTO, NOT PLUTO! ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Hiya folks. Your probably wondering..... "What the HELL just happened"? Well, I can explain. You see, Sailor Moon is one of the most popular Anime of all time. (Or the worst, depending on who you ask.) However, no one has ever seen things behind the scenes. No one has given credit to all the hard work and struggle that the people who made this great show happen. With that in mind, I have decided to show you some of the best out takes from the archives. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ [Cut to next scene...] (Sailor Mercury faces off with the monster we saw before, but now it seems a lot more cheesy looking for some reason. She gets into a ready pose.) Monster:(With its mouth not moving an inch) GRRRRAAAAAARRRRGGG!!! Mercury: I warn you, you unrepentant beast. I will teach youse a lesson you'll never forget. Director:(walking into the scene) CUT! Mercury:(In a thick Brooklyn accent) Wha was wrong wit' dat take! Director: Your accent slipped back there. Mercury: Wha's DAT supposed ta mean! Director:(Holding up his hands)I'm just asking that you stay in character, that's all. Mercury:(Getting angry) Youse sayin' I can't do dis! Dat I'm just some hack tryin' ta keep a lousy stinkin' tird-rate job!!! Director:(Visibly nervous)Not at all, I's just sayin'...(realizes the slip of the tounge he has just made) oh god. Mercury:(Snapping) NO ONE MAKES FUN A' MY ACCENT! RIDER KICK! (Mercury jumps up, does a flip in mid-air and kicks the Director with both of her feet.) Director:(Falls like a sack of bricks) ACKKKK! (Mercury realized what she has done and goes to help the Director up.) Mercury: Youse okay. I din't mean ta hit ya. I jus lost it. Director:(grogily) It's otay Aunti Em. (Passes out.) Mercury: Oppsie. [Cut to next scene...] (Now we see REI sitting in front of her sacred fire. She is in deep concentration and then the fire begins to pulse and flicker. It grows and shrinks rapidly before it flares out wildly.) Rei:(Scurries away from the fire) OWWWWWW!!! Director: CUT! (Runs into the scene) What's the matter? Rei:(Whinning) I'm burned! I'm burned! IT HURTS! Director: Where were you burned? Do you need to go to the hospital? Rei: IT BURNED MY FINGER NAIL! Director: Let me see. (Looks at her hand) This isn't even a second degree burn. Rei: But it ruined my nail polish. (Getting dreamy eyed) If I don't look my best, how am I going to find a good husband, an adorable pet and a sweet home.... Director:(Looks at the camera, then turns towards Rei) RIDER KICK! (This time it's Rei who gets whopped and she falls hard.) Rei: ARRGH! Director:(Storming off the set) None of that DNA stuff on MY set! [Cut to next scene...] (Usagi is sitting with Ami in a restaurant and our little Dumpling Head is eating {acctualy, inhaling might be the right word} a gigantic triple chocolate ice cream sundae.) Ami: Usagi, I must comment that I feel that the quantity you consume, far exceeds the quantity that you should intake. Usagi:(Mouth full of ice cream) What did you say? Ami:(Sighs) I said, I think that maybe you eat too much. Usagi:(Finishes the sundae) Why didn't you say that in the first place? Director:(From off camera) CUT! (A prop man walks on and replaces the empty sundae bowl with a fresh new one.) Director: Take two. ACTION! (Usagi is sitting with Ami in a restaurant and our little Dumpling Head is eating {acctualy, inhaling might be the right word} a gigantic triple chocolate ice cream sundae.) Ami: Usagi, I must comment that I feel that the quantity you consume, far exceeds the quantity that you should intake. Usagi:(Mouth full of ice cream) What did you say? Ami:(Sighs) I said, I think that maybe you eat too much. Usagi:(Finishes the sundae) Why didn't you say that in the first place? Director:(From off camera) CUT! (A prop man walks on and replaces the empty sundae bowl with a fresh new one.) Director: Take three. ACTION! (Usagi is sitting with Ami in a restaurant and our little Dumpling Head is eating {acctualy, inhaling might be the right word} a gigantic triple chocolate ice cream sundae.) Ami: Usagi, I must comment that I feel that the quantity you consume, far exceeds the quantity that you should intake. Usagi:(Mouth full of ice cream) What did you say? Ami:(Sighs) I said, I think that maybe you eat too much. Usagi:(Finishes the sundae) Why didn't you say that in the first place? Director:(From off camera) CUT! (A prop man walks on and replaces the empty sundae bowl with a fresh new one.) Director: Okay. This time it's for real. (Usagi is starting to look a bit sickly.) Ami:(Back in her Brooklyn accent) Yo, 'sagi wha's the matta? Ya lookin kinda green. Usagi:(Taking a deep breath) Ami, I think I am becoming nautious from the extreme intake of frozen dairy products. Ami:(Chuckles) Hey, ya knew da job waz dangerous when ya took it. Usagi:(Gulping) Affirmative. (Turning a, previously unknown, shade of purple) Excuse me for just a moment please. (Runs off with her hand over her mouth.) BBBBLLLLLEEEEAAAUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!!! Ami:(Covering her eyes) Now DAT'S sometin' I didn't need ta see before lunch break. Director:(Off camera) Sombody get a mop and bucket. Ami take five. Ami:(Gives a thumbs up) Right boss. (Aside) Da tings some people'll do fa fame. [Cut to next scene...] (Makoto is standing in front of a blue screen with her transformation stick held high in the air.) Makoto: JUPITER STAR POWER! MAKE UP! Director: CUT! Get ready for the transformation scene. (A special effects man walks on the set and checks the props.) Makoto:(To effects man) Are you SURE this is safe? I mean, you know how our director LOVES realism. FX Man: Yes. Don't worry. The lighting is just a CGI effect that's added later. Now, I think it's time to get ready. Makoto: Right. (Without any reservations, she strips off all her clothes in 0.003 seconds) Ready. FX Man:(Shamelessly gawking) GAAAH! Have you no modesty?! Makoto: How do you THINK I got this job in the first place? Minako:(From off camera and sniffling) You said I was your first. Director: ACTION! (A pad under Makoto begins to turn and Mako spins rapidly, she spins faster and faster and the Director has a trigger of some kind in his hands.) Director:(Excitedly) That's it. Realism. (Pulls the trigger.) (Suddenly, lightning shoots down from a hole in the roof and zaps Makoto to the point that her skeleton is seen clearly. Makoto staggers over to where the Director is sitting, lightning sparking off her.) Makoto:(Still sparking [and naked]) F-f-for the f-f-future. (A bolt of lightning blasts out of her hands and zaps the Director, the FX Man and the camera man.) [Next scene] (Sailor Moon pulls her tiara off her forehead and it transforms into a yellow glowing discus. She throws it at the monster.) Moon: MOON TIARA ACTION! (The tiara misses completely and instead of hitting the monster, hits a cutout of a building. The cutout falls over.) Moon: Opps. Director: CUT! [Next scene] (Michiru and Haruka stare into each others eyes for what seems to be a timeless moment. The setting sun highlights them and their faces move closer.... and closer..... and closer....) Haruka: BODY DOUBLE! Director: Huh? M&H: Well you can't expect me to kiss HER can you? Director: Sorry ladies, but the body double is out sick and this is the last day we can film at this location. Plus, we need a full face shot of the kiss and not a back view or sillouete. M&H:(Panicking) WHAT!!!! Michiru: Unlike SOME people I know, (looks off camera in the general direction of Makoto and Minako) I'm NOT really like THAT! Haruka: Same here! Director: Naoko told me to put it this way.... no kiss, no paycheck. Michiru:(Sounding defeated) Let's get this over with. Director: ACTION! (Both Michiru and Haruka look EXTREMELY nervous and are sweating like mad. Haruka starts to move in, then backs off. Moves in, backs off. Moves in, backs off.) Director: COME ON! We don't have all day. (Finally, Haruka decides to bite the bullet and quickly moves in for the kiss. They hold the kiss and while their faces are neutral, their eyes bug out wildly. The kiss looks like it's going to last a long time. Michiru holds up a sign.) Sign: Director: CUT! Perfect! (Haruka and Michiru pull back, gagging.) Michiru: EWWWW! MOUTHWASH! SOMEBODY GET ME SOME MOUTHWASH! Haruka: SOMEBODY GET HER A BREATH MINT TOO! Michiru:(Whirls at Haruka) WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?!! Haruka:(Angrily) WHAT DO YOU THINK IT MEANS! [Next scene] (Sailor Moon pulls her tiara off her forehead and it transforms into a yellow glowing discus. She throws it at the monster.) Moon: MOON TIARA ACTION! (The tiara misses and flies off camera.) Minako: OW! (Walks into the shot with the tiara in her left hand and a black eye on her face.) Who threw that? Moon:(Points to the monster) I believe that he is the culprit. Minako: RIDER KICK! Monster:(Mouth doesn't move at all as he's hit) ARRRGH! Director: CUT! [Next scene] (The Director is standing in front of a man who looks like somebody who would fit in the monster suit.) Director: Now do you understand how this scene works? Man: Yep. (The man pulls up a large sheet of white and wraps it around him. The man shrinks and resolves himself in the form of ARTIMIS, in cat form.) Artimis: Ready sir. [Next] (The monster fires a death ray from its mouth at Sailor Moon and she barley dodges out of the way in time. She screams as the monster unleashes another bolt at her. Suddenly, a man in a black tuxedo and white mask, jumps into the scene and grabs Sailor Moon pulling her out of danger in the nick of time.) Moon: Tuxedo Kamen! You saved me! Tuxedo:(Smiles at Moon) Don't I always. Monster:(That mouth doesn't move now and will never move in the future) RRRRAAAAARRRRGGGGHHH!!!! (The monster unleashes bolt after bolt of power at Tuxedo Kamen. He effortlessly dodges each of them and flings one of his magic red roses at it and the monster grabs its throat as the rose strikes. Tux didn't even have to adjust his grip on Sailor Moon the whole time.) Director: CUT! Perfect! That was beautiful, poetry in motion! Moon: Ummm. Mamoru. Tuxedo: Yes Usagi? Moon: Unless I am mistaken, did not the director say that the scene was completed. Tuxedo: Yes. Moon: Then could you please place me back into a vertical position. Tuxedo: Why should I? I like it like this. (Pinches SMs bottom.) Moon:(Looks at camera then at Tuxedo Kamen) RIDER KICK! (Tux is knocked silly as his face is personally introduced to Sailor Moons feet.) [Next] (Sailor Moon pulls her tiara off her forehead and it transforms into a yellow glowing discus. She throws it at the monster.) Moon: MOON TIARA ACTION! (The tiara misses and flies off camera, cutting a rope that drops a sandbag onto the monsters head.) Monster:(That mouth is frozen solid as he falls) OWWW!! Director: CUT! (Sighs) Close enough. [Next] (Pluto looks at the gathered Senshi and nods.) Pluto: So you know what we must do? (All Senshi nod.) Pluto: So let us be off. (Pluto holds up the Time Rod..... orb side down.) Director: CUT! Your holding the prop upside down for heavens sake! Pluto:(Angrily and in a cultured voice) That is IT! I do not have to stand for this. I have been Lady Macbeth. I have done Opera! I do not need the agrivation of this... this... commoner trash! (Storms to her trailer and slams the door.) Director:(Putting his face in his hands) Oh GOD! Here she goes AGAIN! Somebody get her agent! [Next] (The Senshi stand ready for battle, posing in front of the camera. None of them notice a black streak that passes closely behind them.) Moon:(A funny look appears on her face) Is my imagination overcompensating or has the temperature suddenly decreased by several degrees. Mars: Yeah. It has gotten chilly all of a sudden. Venus: Same here. Jupiter:(Nudges Venus and whispers) Well, this will save us a few seconds... later. Venus:(Blushes and whispers back) Yeah, later. (All the Outer Senshi nod.) Mercury: We're all cold, aright. (camera pans left to show Tuxedo Kamen bowing before a very short, decrepit martial artist [and pervert] extrodinare named HAPPOSAI.) Happosai:(Giggles evilly) Did you get them? Tuxedo: Yes master. (Tux hands Happosai nine different colored coordinated bras and panties.) Happosai: You are my best student. If you study like this for a few more years, you will be able to learn the "Anything Goes Martial Arts, Super Hentai Touch" quite easily. Tuxedo:(Tears start jetting out of his eyes as he bows lower) THANK YOU MASTER! OH THANK YOU! (Neither of the two perverts have noticed that the Senshi and Director have gathered around them. They all look rather MAD.) Director&Senshi: RIDER KICK! (You can guess what happens next, can't you?) [Next] (Usagi and Mamoru stare into each others eyes for what seem like a timeless moment. The setting sun highlights them and their faces move closer... and closer... and closer...) Director: CUT! Mamoru: Huh? What's wrong? Director:(Walks close to Usagi) Your drooling Mamoru. (Whispers to Usagi as Mamoru wipes his mouth) Are you SURE you want to do this? I mean after what happened before.... Usagi:(Sighs) Yes ,I am certain. Though it is quite repulsive to me. I must partake in this display of false affection for the camera. As I believe you are quoted to have said, "no kiss, no paycheck". Director:(Places a hand on Usagi's shoulder and looks at Mamoru warily) Your a far braver person then I Usagi, a far braver person then I. (Walks off) (Mamoru finishes wiping his mouth and stands in the ready position. Usagi also takes her place and the two of them get ready.) Director: ACTION! (They move in and kiss tenderly. A slight wind picks up and gently blows Usagis ponytails slowly back and forth. It's a very touching scene.) Director: CUT! (The two separate and look at each other.) Usagi: There. It was not THAT hard to control your hormonal imbalance now was (is caught off guard as Mamoru snaps, grabs her and initiates a full blown lip lock) MMMPH! (Usagi tries, unsucesfuly, to break away. She starts by simply pulling herself back.... she doesn't budge an inch. She tries adding her legs into the push for leverage.... she doesn't budge an inch. She pulls out a crowbar and tries to pry herself away from Mamoru's lips.... she doesn't budge an inch. She holds up a sign as she starts to turn blue.) Sign: Director:(Walks on) Let me handle this. RIDER KICK! (The Director's feet go over Usagis head by an inch and slam into Mamorus face. [It's obvious that he's more agile then he looks.] Mamoru falls to the ground and Usagi gasps for breath.) Usagi: You (pant, pant) have my (gasp) gratitude. Director: Don't mention it. [Next] (Sailor Mars stands with her hands in the ready position for the Burning Mandella. She seems rather nervous for some reason.) Mars:(Gulping) Your SURE about this? I mean... after what happened to Makoto.... FX Man:(Checking something on Mars's gloves) Yes, I'm sure it's safe. We've taken away the directors trigger. He won't be able to do THAT again. Director: FX Man get out of the shot. (FX Man walks off.) ACTION! Mars: BURNING MANDELLA! (The Director grins and reaches to his left, pulling on a giant lever.) FX Man:(Slaps his forehead) DO'H! I forgot about that! (A big burst of flame belches out of Mars's gloves and unfortunately backfires, turning Mars into a supernova.) Mars:(As she burns) ARRRRGH! I'M MELTING, MELTING! WHAT A WORLD! WHAT A WORLD! (Everyone stares in shock at the small pile of ashes that was once Sailor Mars.) FX Man:(Looking at the Director with wide eyes) You.... you... KILLED Sailor Mars! Director:(Shrugs) Oh well. Naoko never liked her that much anyway. FX Man: But... but... how are we going to finish filming? We're going to be ruined. Director: Why should I care? My reputation isn't going to be ruined if this bombs any..... (NAOKO TAKEUCHI runs onto the scene and....) Naoko: RIDER KICK! +++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Heh. Well, there you have it. If those were the out takes then the stuff they left in must be pure gold. See ya around. THE EN