With or Without You--Part One
by: Aimee--sailor_moon89@hotmail.com

Hello, this is my first fanfic (revised because I didn't like
the first version), so try not to rip me apart too badly. (I
have such confidence in myself) :o) Let's get the disclaimer
out of the way before I talk a bit about the story you're about
to read.

Disclaimer *to the tune of the Sailor Moon theme song*:

Suing people by moonlight
When in court by daylight
With Judge Judy there to help fight
They are the owners of Sailor Moon

Seriously people, I don't own Sailor Moon, nor did I write
the majority of the dialogue in this fanfic...it's directly from
an episode, although I did change a few lines.

I have only seen the DIC version of the show, and I don't
speak Japanese so I'll be using "Serena" and "Darien" as
opposed to "Usagi" and "Mamoru". If that really and truly
bothers you and makes you feel like trashing a hotel room
or something, then you might want to seek some therapy.
If you don't get help at Charter, get help somewhere.

This story takes place in Sailor Moon R in a particular
episode. In this episode, Serena (Sailor Moon) is put
into a deep sleep by a droid called "Hypnotica." The
Sailor Scouts are unable to wake her. Darien (Tuxedo
Mask) is able to help, however. You'll see how in the
story. The story is from Darien's point of view. This is
the first episode where you get to see a little deeper into
his personality, so I though maybe I'd expand on that a bit.

Send comments, constructive criticism, but no law suits (pretty
please) to: sailor_moon89@hotmail.com

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With or Without You

I haven't cried in years...not since I was a child...a little
boy with no memories. To this day, I don't even know
why I cried then. I didn't remember my family--the car
accident that claimed their lives stole my memories as well.
Still, tears were shed for the family I never knew.

Perhaps I cried then because of the solitude that settled
in with their loss. I'm alone now. Loneliness suits me, I
believe. When you're alone, no one can hurt you, and you
can't wound anyone else. No one can look into your eyes
and see all the pain and bitterness you've so carefully
concealed. That's all I am--a bitter, old man. Not old
physically--but mentally. In my nineteen years of life,
I've seen and been through more than anyone would
believe. Still, through it all--I've never been as scared
as I was tonight.

Seeing my beloved Serena lying there, oblivious to the
world and helpless as her strength left her, was almost
as tormenting and painful as the nightmares I've been
plagued with each night.

Almost...

My dreams are terrible--I watch helplessly as Serena dies.
I can do nothing. Then I hear the voice. It commands me to
stay far from her, or she will die like in my dreams. I know
that the nightmares could be nothing--maybe just my own
insecurities and apprehensions surfacing in my sub-conscious.
But what if they're not? My dreams have been accurate before.
I can't take the chance of losing her. I have to stay away.

I was having the dreaded nightmare again earlier tonight,
but before I had to watch Serena perish again, I was
suddenly woken up. There in my room was Serena's cat, Luna.

"Darien, you have to come with me," Luna said, out of breath
from running. Did I mention she talks? How she managed to
climb up several stories to my apartment window, I never
thought to ask. "Sailor Moon's in great danger. She's falling
into an eternal sleep, and you've got to come wake her up.
No one can do it but you!"

I could have killed myself right then and there. Why hadn't
I listened to the voice in my dreams when it ordered me to
stay away from her? I had tried...tried so hard to keep my
distance. But I couldn't bear to watch her be harmed by
anything or anyone. I had to intervene--I couldn't help but
protect her from Rubeus's assaults and trickery. And now
she was hurt, and it was probably my fault. I should have
stayed away...I should have listened to the dreams.

My first instinct was to go with Luna to help Serena,
but flashes of the dream came back to me, paralyzing
any and all efforts. You'll just hurt her more, they
whispered to my mind. Any effort to protect her would
simply be in vain.

"I can't do it," I told the disappointed Luna quietly. 'I'm
sorry Serena,' I thought, 'but I won't let you suffer because
of me.'

"I know you still care about her," Luna pleaded with me.
If she only knew the half of it. I loved Serena--my sweet,
innocent princess. I would gladly die for her--so then why
was I sitting there when she needed me?

"Why must you continue to avoid her?" Luna continued with
tears in her eyes. My hand gripped the sheets in frustration as
I debated with myself whether to go or not.

"Because..." I couldn't think of an excuse.

"She's running out of time. Go to her!" Luna shouted at me.

Before I could persuade myself otherwise, I was speeding
toward the scene of the attack.

'Hold on Serena,' I said in my thoughts. 'You can't leave
me.'

I transformed into Tuxedo Mask, and silently began to
pray she would be all right.

I finally arrived and spotted four familiar girls around a
bench. Serena was laying there, still transformed as Sailor
Moon and unconscious. I looked around to see what could
have caused this, but I saw nothing--no droid, no Rubeus,
and none of the four sisters. Then I turned and watched in
horror as the four Sailor Scouts tried to wake their friend
to no avail.

"Tuxedo Mask, you're here!" said a tiny voice. It was
Reenie, helplessly watching and hoping for Sailor Moon.
Poor kid, I thought. She shouldn't be watching this.

Sailor Mercury glanced up at me, looking very frightened
for her friend. I knew that if she was alarmed, then there
was a reason. "I just hope he can do something for her,"
she said.

I looked at the limp form on the bench. Even now, slipping
away from reality, Serena was beautiful. Her long golden hair
perfectly framed her pale face. Her delicate lips were slightly
apart, and I remembered what it was like to kiss them, soft
and tender and-- 

Serena let out a distressed moan, jolting me back to reality
from my daydream.

I gasped and rushed to her side. "Sailor Moon, wake up."
I shook her firmly. "Can't you hear me?" She remained
unresponsive. Her shivering told me how cold she was. I
pulled her trembling body close to mine and tried to warm
her. Her lips brushed against my neck---they were ice cold.

Suddenly, the dream ran through my mind again--Serena
collapsing...dying. The harsh reality of what was happening
finally hit me: she was going to die, and would never know
how much I really loved her. She would remember only my
heartless words of rejection--and all of them were lies.

I recalled the day in my apartment when I ended our
relationship. I could still see vividly her shocked face,
clouded in pain and rejection. I had barely been able to
restrain myself from stopping Serena as she walked out
of my apartment that day. She tried to be brave and hold
back the tears, but I had watched her from my balcony as
she left my building. She collapsed into a phone booth--
this alarmed me at first, thinking her ill. Only then did I
realized what was wrong--she was crying. What had I
done to her? I was only trying to keep her safe.

My flashback ended on that cold note, and I held Serena
closer to end my own shivering as well as hers. "Serena,"
I said brokenly. "Please forgive me..."

I didn't deserve to be forgiven. Even more, I didn't deserve
her, but I wasn't going to let her slip away without letting her
know how I felt. I became frustrated with the realization that
no matter how much I begged or pleaded, she couldn't hear
me--couldn't hear the truth. I searched my mind for a way to
show her--only one thing came to mind.

Slowly and gently, I touched my lips to hers, warming them
with my kiss. It was a sad kiss, but it said everything I
couldn't say aloud. Reluctantly I pulled away, and looked
once again at her beautiful face, fearing her loss which now
seemed inevitable.

But something was happening--I watched partly in amazement
and partly in horror as dark something left her body. Almost
immediately, she felt warmer in my arms--maybe it was my
imagination. But then again...maybe not.

"Look everyone!" I heard Reenie say to the grieving Scouts,
who had stepped aside. They gasped as they heard and saw
Serena moan and fall against my chest, as if waking up from
a bad dream.

Serena's eyes opened slowly. "Darien?" she mumbled against
my chest. "I feel warm..."

'Thank you, Jesus,' I prayed silently. I didn't understand what
had just happened, and I honestly didn't care as long as she
was all right.

"I'm so glad...Serena" I told her, holding her closer to me.
I felt complete when I held her, but all good things must
come to an end. I pulled away gently and held her hand
in mine as I looked into the eyes I thought I would never
see again.

"How rude of you to interrupt her sleep," said an unfamiliar
voice behind me. I realized it must be the thing that left her
body--one of Rubeus's droids. Rubeus, I though angrily. The
jerk--first Reenie and now Serena. If I ever found him I'd--

Serena gasped and yelled "Look out!" She pushed me aside
and we managed to escape the brunt of the droid's attack.
Still, it had managed to injure my left arm. Serena was
unharmed, to my relief.

Serena noticed my injury and immediately turned on the
droid, shouting bold and angry words. 'She sure got her
energy back fast,' I thought, looking at her proudly as she
destroyed the droid with her Moon Septer. For the first
time that night I allowed myself to smile.

But the smile slowly faded. What had I done? She's going
to assume I want to begin our relationship again. My heart
urged me to make amends, but memories of my recurring
nightmare told me that was impossible. That meant I would
have to hurt her again. Why did it have to be so hard for us?
Why couldn't we just be a normal, happy couple?

She stood several feet away from me--not moving. This
was very unlike the Serena I knew. I had expected to be
attacked with a bear hug. Perhaps she knew what I was
about to do--or maybe she was afraid to upset some
delicate balance between the two of us that had been
established with our kiss. Maybe she was just waiting for
me to say something.

"Sailor Moon," I spoke up, trying my best to hide the emotion
in my voice. "Amazing job. I'm really glad you're all right again."
Geez, was that the best I could do? I sounded like a stuttering
12 year old.

"Darien, I just knew in my heart that you still loved me," Serena
said, placing a delicate, gloved hand on her heart. But she
wouldn't look at me.

"Serena..." I tried again, but before I could finish the thought,
flashes of the nightmare flooded my mind. 'Stay away from
her! You would put your feelings in front of her safety?' they
screamed at me. I shook the thoughts away, but couldn't
shake the horrible feelings they always left. I knew what
I had to do.

"I don't love you," I lied, glad my mask hid my watering eyes.

"What?" She said, turning to face me. I looked into her eyes,
surprised at what I saw in them. They were the same eyes
that looked back at me in the mirror each morning. My eyes,
full of hurt and pain. Old eyes. 'No Serena,' I thought. 'Don't
become like me. I won't let you.'

"How can I believe that when you just came to my rescue?"
she continued, staring at me. She's a smart girl--she saw right
through me. But I couldn't let her know that.

"That's another story," I said firmly, turning around. "Believe
me."

I listened to her gasp and back away like she'd been slapped.
I sighed...what else could I say to her? I took out a perfect,
red rose and studied it.

"Our love is like a rose," I told her. "Beautiful when it's in
bloom, but it can't last forever." I crushed the rose's delicate
petals in my hand and let them slip from my fingertips into
the gentle night breeze to land at Serena's feet. I regretted
my little speech instantly. Could I have been any more cruel?
I didn't plan to stay around any longer to find out--I'd already
done enough worth regretting.

"Nooooooo!" I heard her cry as I sped away on my motorcycle.
That cry echoed in my heart over and over, breaking it a million
times. I'll never forgive myself.

I can still hear that cry now as I stare at the crescent moon
over the Tokyo skyline. The moon reminds me of her, of
course. I think of how small the moon is compared to the
earth--and how small Serena feels in my arms. I think of
how beautiful the moon is--and of Serena's beauty. I recall
that life can only survive on the moon with great difficulty
and with the never-ending threat of death--and I'm reminded
that I can't be with her. Still, I realize how empty the earth's
sky would be without the moon--and I realize I can't live
without her.

"Oh, Serena..." I mumbled, hurting and confused. "I can't
stand hurting you." I began to feel a vaguely familiar ache
in the back of my throat.

Where did I know that feeling from?

My eyes begin to water. Now I realized what was happening
to me. 'It's been so long', I realize, feeling the unfamiliar
brush of hot tears running down my cheeks. Too long...

I haven't cried in years...but I was crying now.

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That was for all you angst lovers. I'll try to write something a bit
more cheery and humorous in part two (which was requested by
a lot of people after reading the original version. I hope this one
was a little better.) Look for part two in a week or so.

Let me know what you think. Send comments to:
sailor_moon89@hotmail.com