This part is dedicated to my dear friend. He had given me hope 
and love that no one else ever had. I hope you forgive me for 
what I have done to you. I wish that people who read about Seb and 
Serena would never do the mistake I've done once.


Different 
Part 10
By Anni
annushka78@hotmail.com


Trying to sound as soft as possible Seb spoke up: "Usagi, I know 
everything." 
He felt as girls' hands jerked at the sound of that name, but he was 
still holding them. 

"Please, don't deny it. I... I know everything about you, Usagi..." 
Seb repeated her name again still half-expecting the girl to run away 
and to deny everything after such sudden news. But no, she had just 
frozen on the place. He watched the paled girl as she shut her eyes 
almost, as she was tired. He could feel her heart racing.

Inside her mind Serena was in panic. 'Everything? What is everything? 
He knows my name. Well, that's not that bad. Maybe he had just found 
out about Usagi Tsukino, maybe...' her thousand thoughts were 
interrupted by Seb again.

"Usagi, I know about Silver Millenium..." he paused "and about 
Sailor Moon."  Seb never saw such a surprise on girl's face before. 

"How?" that was all Serena managed to ask. Her mouth was dry 
from shock. 

Seb softly smiled rising eyebrow. That question he had been 
expecting already for a long time. Though deep inside he expected 
her to know that already.

"Don't you know? I mean after that blood transfusion, I thought you 
would have the same dreams as I. Or at least the same strange feelings 
I have had." Noticing a puzzling expression on her face he continued: 
"Well... if not, then maybe I can try something like that..."

Seb paused for a second as if remembering what to do. Then he put 
his index finger on her forehead and closed his eyes concentrating. 
Serena was still sitting stunned, looking at him and unable to protest 
or even gasp in surprise, when she saw a crescent moon lit up on 
Seb's forehead. She had no time to ask anything when sudden 
memories flooded her mind. Actually most of them were not even 
memories of her life, but episodes of Moon's life before she was born.

When everything was over she'd sit speechless for few minutes. 
The only sound in the room (for Serena in the whole world) was soft 
clock ticking on the wall. She looked again at Seb. He was sitting on 
the same place looking away not knowing what to do next. 

Tears appeared in her eyes, she moved closer to him, touching his hands, 
as if afraid he would disappear that very moment. But instead of 
disappearing he looked into her eyes and she felt how he hugged 
her tight. She returned the embrace. 

'My brother... I can't believe it.' 



She was still in that state of joy and surprise, when Seb spoke up
again. 

"Serena, when I said 'know everything', I meant not only Silver 
Millenium." 
He stopped, trying to find the right words to continue. Looking away 
he sighed and continued: "Usagi?, my dear Serenity, I know about
Himur." 

With one breath he told her that and when he looked at her face he 
felt something inside him break. The happiness and joy on Serena's 
face were washed away in one single moment. She was now sitting 
with her eyes closed clenching her fists tightly, her nails digging into 
her palms. She used that 'trick' quite often when she needed to fight 
her tears. When she wanted to stay calm and not let the tears to 
show  up. 'No-no-no-no-no' that was the only thought in her mind. 

She jerked like she'd been shot when she felt someone touching her 
hands. She slowly opened her eyes and met his deep blue eyes. 
There was so much love and sympathy in them that it washed her 
fears and calmness away, leaving a lonely little girl. He said 
nothing, but his eyes told her everything. That was too much for her 
to hold inside. His hands didn't allow her to clench her fists any 
more. She was just looking into his eyes unable to move away.  

She heard him speaking again. "One day I saw a dream. It was short 
but so real as if was truly happening. After that I have been waiting 
for night to come. Every night I welcomed new dreams. I wished the 
night would come earlier, to find out more about this mysterious 
kingdom and a little princess. I thought that my imagination played 
tricks with me, when I noticed a slight resemblance of princess in 
you. I never even thought of this possibility. However later I saw 
your drawings. This very moment I knew it had to be true.

I was afraid to talk to you about it. I was afraid that it was only my 
dream and it would fade away. What would I do, if you would turn 
away from me? I decided to let it be as before, being your friend was 
enough for me at that time. But today I saw another dream." 

He looked down, his eyes clouded with emotions. "No, that was not 
a dream, that was a nightmare. And it was true. Oh, Serenity, how 
could you live through that alone? Have you ever talked to someone 
about it?" 

For a long time Serena hadn't heard such a caring voice. She missed 
her family and friends and Luna. She'd used to tell them all her 
troubles and problems. How many times now she wished to have 
someone to talk to, to cry on someone's shoulder. She remembered 
Kunzite's soft voice that night and his comforting words, but the 
Generals moved to Tokyo and she was practically alone again. And 
here was this man, holding her hands, looking at her, caring for her. 
She couldn't fight tears any longer. They were falling from her eyes 
in big drops and nothing could stop them. 

Something broke inside of her, she threw herself into Seb's arms and 
cried. She never cried like that before. Seb just held her, rocking her 
and trying his best to comfort her. There was such pain in her cries 
that Seb was afraid it would tie her apart. Half an hour later she was 
still sitting in Seb's embrace silently sobbing. She refused to let him 
go, even to ease her hands around him. 

Finally her weeping began to cease. Seb could only whisper 
comforting words, softly and carefully trying to calm her down. 
Exhausted from crying Serena felt asleep in his arms.

After that evening some things really changed in Serena's life. Now 
she had something she was wishing to have for such a long time - 
a person who was close to her heart and soul. Moreover that person 
was her older brother. At least he was her brother in the past. 
She still hadn't completely understood why Queen Serenity erased 
that memory from everyone's mind. 

Seb made a suggestion that maybe the loss of the King of the Moon 
and the young Sebastian, the heir of the throne, on the same day in 
the terrible accident during interplanet trip was too much to bare. 
That was why the Silver Crystal just erased these memories of 
mourning and sorrow from the minds of Moon's inhabitance. 

But Queen Serenity could never forget her own son that's why he 
was reborn with all senshi and the princess on the earth. Neither Seb 
nor Serena could figure out why they were not brother and sister in 
this lifetime, but honestly they didn't care for that so much. It doesn't 
matter if you are blood related are not until you are close to each 
other in your hearts. 

Seb was the only person who could fully understand what was 
going in the heart of Usagi - the person who was hidden under the 
mask of Serena's self-confidence. Serena knew that Seb hadn't saw 
too much of her time in Himur's realm. Though she understood: 
he saw enough not to touch this subject ever again. 

However Serena felt uncomfortable about that. She never wanted 
him or anybody else to take it too close to their hearts. She never 
wanted them to know the whole truth. At least now it was not 
important for her. She feared that this knowledge could hurt Seb. 

Thinking this over and over again Serena decided to interfere in the 
way things were going. One night she used her powers and slowly 
stopped the process of dreams flooding into Seb's mind. She knew it 
was not important for her any more if he knew the whole truth. Being 
with Seb, knowing he would be near her was slowly healing her 
troubled soul. 

The memories of the past had a strange way to disappear when 
happiness overwhelms your mind.

Serena had the best time in her life. Seb was gentle and kind to her. 
He would fulfill all her dreams. She had nothing else to wish for. This 
happiness was giving her strength to make her dreams come true. 
She passed exams in the university she wanted to enter. She was 
studying art, and life was slowly changing. Changing to be better. 
Serena was happy.

It was difficult to say who was happier about finding out their real 
identities. They were simply happy and that doesn't need any 
measures. Serena (Seb preferred to call her 'his princess Serenity', 
but Serena was still not used to this name) had to get used to 
the fact that she was not lonely any more and could rely on someone 
without any conditions. It was not that easy after being always 
independent and self-confident at least from outside view. But she 
was slowly opening her heart to this person who had been her 
brother in the past and who was becoming the best and closest 
friend now. 

Seb, although he wasn't as surprised as Serena to find out about 
their past, was so excited that he could only smile and hold Serena's 
hand more tightly as they were walking on the streets. Some people 
looked at them as at a happy couple, two people who could have 
finally found each other and were afraid to let go. They didn't care 
for that. How could they explain anyone that they were sister and 
brother in an earlier life and in this one they weren't? 

They were simply happy and in this state of mind you don't really 
think what others think and say. Though Serena was always thinking 
about that before, she completely forgot about outside world now. 
Nothing mattered to her now except for Seb. It never occurred to her 
to look through some newspapers to find out new gossips about 
'famous painter having a love affair'.  Probably even if she would 
see it, she would never take it seriously. 

Serena began to fully enjoy life. She was not alone anymore. There 
was Seb, who could always comfort her if something went wrong. 
She shared with him all her feelings and thoughts. She even began to 
like the fact that he called her Serenity. It was as if it was the two's 
private secret that no one else would understand. Though Generals 
also addressed her like that, Seb's 'Serenity' and 'princess' was 
different. And only later Serena understood the difference. 
And when she did... 

One day she finally realized that Seb and she are becoming much 
more closer than sister and brother can possibly be. Of course, they 
were not real blood brother and sister, but something inside of 
Serena's mind was telling that this was not the right way things 
should happen. She cared about Seb a lot, but she couldn't imagine 
these feelings to be love. The real love that she wished so many 
years to come to her heart. 

'Real love? You don't know what this thing actually means!' her 
mirror reflection argued with her. 'You know all these sappy stories 
about love from the first sight from enormous pile of books you read. 
But this is just fiction. Be real for once!'

"Mamoru..." she whispered in the darkness. Her heart answered with 
numb pain. It was a painful memory that never let her go. "Maybe it's 
not a memory, but a dream... But why this dream keeps coming to 
me? What can it possibly mean?" Serena questioned the empty 
room. There was no answer.

The memory of Mamoru was fading away. She was slowly forgetting 
him, his face, his smile, and his love. It was only the consequence 
after loosing the bond with the soulmate. She didn't remember 
Himur's words:  "You wouldn't need to worry about someone far 
from you". As the result of her broken bond her memories started 
to fade. The only way to stop this process was to meet him again, 
to look into his eyes and... Love can create miracles even if we don't 
believe in them anymore. 

***

Seb was on the ninth cloud from happiness. He was in love. This 
feeling gave him wings to fly. He never expected to be so happy. 
Serena? his princess Serenity was everything he had ever wished 
to have in his life. She was so gentle and so fragile, but also so 
independent and so smart on the other side. He loved absolutely 
everything about her. The day without seeing her or talking to her 
was a lost day for Seb. His life existed only for 2 things: his job and 
Serenity, though Serenity was on the first place. What else can be 
important than a good job and a person you love?

Serena knew what Seb was feeling and that was making her worry. 
Although she enjoyed spending time with Seb, she'd never give up 
other things in this world. She was still studying in university, 
she wrote poems (now finally under her real name) and she still 
worked in the hospital. She couldn't let everything fade away only 
because of Seb. Yes, he was important to her, a lot, like no one else, 
but? Serena enjoyed life, people, everything. She couldn't get 
enough of being alive in the full meaning of this word.

She'd asked herself few times one simple and at the same time very 
difficult question: "What does I want in this life?" Such a simple 
question to ask and it was one that was never easy to answer with 
few words. But for Serena it was quite easy: "Family." Nothing more 
mattered to her that much. A loving husband and a child, no, better 
two children, perhaps a girl and a boy. 

Serena would give up everything to make this dream come true. 
But no one can fulfill such a dream on her own. You need your 
second part, your soulmate to be near you. Serena hated to think 
about it. 'How on earth can I find him if no one even look my way? 
I don't have any future perspective, even a slight hope to find my 
soulmate one day.' But there was Seb and that made Serena smile and 
frown at the same time.

Seb was the only person who loved her the way she was, never 
asking for more. But? There came the most difficult moment. 'Do I 
feel the same way towards him? Do I love him?' she asked herself a 
lot of times lying in the bed waiting to fall asleep. 'What exactly do I 
feel to Seb?' Something deep inside was whispering her, that if she 
could ask that question, this was not real love. You would feel love 
from the first moment. 

Serena was really lost. That was the situation when she needed to 
decide whether she loved Seb or not. Only she could answer that 
question and yet she had no answer. Time passed and it became 
evident that Seb saw Serena as his real girlfriend. But Serena was still 
in doubts. 

'I like to be with him, talk to him, but a real girlfriend? I don't 
know.' She mused for long hours. 'Maybe I am just scared about 
what can happen between us?' she asked herself, but then quickly 
replied: 'No, I really trust him. He would never hurt me in any way, 
but then? why does it seem wrong? It can't be only because of the 
past. Is the real problem is that we were sister and brother in the 
past? Or I am not worth to be with him? Or?' There was no 
appropriate answer so that she could talk to Seb about it. 

As time went on Serena began to avoid Seb as much as possible. 
She had never done this on purpose. The circumstances were always 
against them meeting or even talking. It was as if cruel fate itself was 
breaking them apart. Any time Seb wanted to see her something 
would happen and she would be needed in the hospital or she would 
have an exam to get ready for. In some way Serena was grateful to 
the fate. This way she could take some time to think about Seb 
without any rush. 

She felt that Seb was deeply in love with her. However she couldn't 
define her own feelings. She liked to think about him as a possible 
boyfriend. 'I was waiting for that for so long. How many times 
I wished that I would be able to go out with a boy, to go out on a 
date, to have a romantic dinner together, to feel as if I was special for 
one particular person. But then why does it seem not right? 
Why don't I feel love? Or maybe I just wait for an impossible thing to 
happen? Maybe it is love, and I am just too stupid to notice that?'

Many times Serena wished she would have more time to sort her 
feelings out. She wanted to freeze their feelings for some period of 
time to wait, to have a breath. But in real world you can't push 
'pause' button. Life is going further without stopping. Deep in her 
mind, Serena felt that she started to change in her relationship with 
Seb. Slowly it was going down hill. But one day it suddenly started 
to go quicker and quicker, till it had reached it's culmination.

Seb felt that something was going wrong. The girl he loved was 
slowly shutting her heart to him, almost as she went to her shell 
again. Once he decided to talk. Usually they had no need to talk; they 
could understand each other without words. But this time everything 
was different. One day walking together Seb made first step: "Serena, 
what's wrong? You are lately so quiet? What's bothering you?"

Serena tried her best to avoid his look. Subconsciously she knew that 
one day she would have to face this certain question, but she wished 
that that day would never come. 

'What can I say? That I don't love him the way he does? That I want 
to be friends with him? This sounds like a cheap soap opera. I hate 
these terrible phrases, but what can I actually say?' 

She realized that Seb is waiting for an answer. Sighing she started: 
"Seb? I don't know what to say ... I really ... " 

Seb cut off her weak explanations by taking her hand in his. "Serena, 
I love you, don't you see it? I want us to be happy together. What are 
you afraid of? Please, tell me."

Noticing girl's sad expression he continued: "Lately you became so 
distant, like you want to hide yourself again in the shell. Are you 
afraid of me? Please, remember - no matter what happened or what 
will happen... I will love you but for now just listen."

Noticing Serena's nod, he continued: "I think it has begun month ago. 
You started to avoid me...." He started explaining his feeling and his 
fears. 

'He is so kind. How can I hurt him like that?' Serena felt like a big 
elephant in the antique shop ruining everything with each next step. 
'But if I pretend that I love him now and then I realize that is a 
mistake, ? what will I do then? He would say that I played with him 
all that time? But that's not true! I just don't know if I really love 
him.' All these thoughts went through her mind in one minute while 
she was standing silently in front of Seb. 

"Serenity," Seb's gentle voice brought her back to the earth. "I need 
to know one important thing. I am really sorry to ask that so 
unexpectedly, but? Do you love me? I really need to know that. It 
seems to me that it is only me who wishes this relationship to exist. 
Serena, do you hear me?" 

Seb saw the girl nervously biting her lip. "Please tell me the truth." 
He added quietly. 

She couldn't hold it any longer. Either she would run away from him 
sobbing, either? She collected all her strength she still had inside. 
No tear escaped from her eyes. 'I won't cry. I won't cry.' Serena 
repeated to herself. 

"Seb, I don't love you?," She said with a small voice. How easy it 
was to say these words and how heavy it made her feel inside. She 
tried to convince her tears not to show up. At last she found the 
courage to look at Seb. What she saw, was a real shock to her. 

He was crying. Never in her life she saw a man crying in front of the 
girl. Of course there was nothing impossible about that: men can cry, 
but... Serena felt such a wave of guilt entering her heart. With each 
moment this feeling became more and more heavy in her chest.

"Serena, do you understand what have you said just now?" His voice 
was trembling. She couldn't answer that, so she just looked away. 
"But, Serena, why? I thought you like me, I hoped that we..."

She interrupted him: "Seb, I am sorry, I can't do it any more. You see 
in life only me, nothing else. Why do you think I am the one who is 
destined to be with you? You never saw anyone else except me. 
Maybe there is a girl waiting for you somewhere, but you? you 
don't want to know anything except me." She felt her heart 
quickening with every word she said. She never felt so nervous and 
guilty at the same time.

"Serena, you don't understand. I love 'you'. Why do I have to seek for 
anyone else? I have already found the girl I love. You are that person. 
You are perfect for me. I don't need anything or anyone else." Seb 
tried to stop the tears, but they kept falling from his eyes. 

'She is not even crying as if she doesn't care at all.' He thought to 
himself. 

Serena wasn't sure what to say. She hated this feeling when she didn't 
know what to do. She had no solution to this problem. "I.. don't.. I 
am sorry Seb, but I 'like' you. I don't know if it is love I feel to you." 
She hated every word she said but there was no way back any more.

"Can I ask you one question, Serena?" Suddenly Seb sounded so 
serious that Serena began to fear if it was really a good idea to say all 
the truth to him at once.

"Yes, of course you can."

"Have you ever been in love? Do you know what does it mean to be 
in love?"

For few minutes there was dead silence. Then Serena slowly shook 
her head. "No? I've never been in love in my life. I never knew this 
feeling you are talking about." She never expected to be so calm in 
such a situation. 

There were no tears in her eyes or trembling in her voice. She was so 
reserved. She realized that even her heart was beating in its normal 
pace, maybe only louder than it should. 

'I guess I can finally say that I can regulate my temper. Yeah, I have 
good teachers. Himur taught me how to take all pain without even 
flinching. Later when I was attending school in Morioko other 
students taught me how to hide my feelings, to smile even if it hurts. I 
was able to laugh even when my heart was screaming from their 
coldness and indifference.'

Seb also noticed that Serena was strangely calm. The words came 
from his mouth without thinking about them twice: "How can you be 
so calm and ice-hearted?" The girl was avoiding looking at him.  She 
didn't want to see these tears on his face again. 

Seb tried to talk to her again. "Serena, I begin to fear that you are 
really not the same Serenity I was dreaming about all that time. You 
seem to be so proud, too much "by-yourself". Maybe you can be 
alone, but I can't. Maybe you are not capable to love at all. I don't 
know what to think about you anymore." 

That was a really heavy slap in her face. She wished he could really 
hit her, at least she would have to deal with physical pain. She felt her 
heart skip a beat. She clenched her fists tightly in her pockets 
concentrating on the pain trying not to do something stupid. Her 
thoughts were running too quickly to follow them. 'So, I am not 
capable to love. Let him think like that. At least he will be able to 
forget me forever. There will be only regret that he has spent so 
much time on me.'

He was saying something, but Serena couldn't listen. The cold words 
were still ringing in her head.

"What I want from you is to give my two art books back." Seb's stern 
voice returned the girl back on the earth. Serena didn't answer. Seb 
repeated looking straight at her: "Got it?"

It was as if cold wind had touched her face. 'He can think about his 
books at this moment. How strange...' a thought run through her 
mind. However she mouthed "Yes" still looking at her feet and afraid 
to look up.

"I am sorry, Seb, really, I am." She whispered turning away from him 
and making one step. He was too shocked about what had happened 
before that he didn't try to stop her. She began to walk away 
quickening her steps.

***

Serena reached her apartment. 30 minutes had already passed after 
she had left Seb, but his words were still ringing in her ears. She 
could still hear his voice full of tears and pain. 'What have I done?' 
she whispered to the dark room sitting tiredly down on the couch. 'I 
have hurt him! I have hurt him!. This was thee man who was so dear 
to me. The only man who? And. I. Had. Hurt. Him. 
WHAT HAVE I DONE?' 

After sitting in silence for few minutes she finally got up. Tomorrow 
was another busy day. The life goes on whether you want it or not. 
You just have to follow it. First, lectures at university, then job, 
then studying. She had to be in good shape. Always! 

She caught herself on the terrible thought that tomorrow she would 
had to smile. Like nothing had happened today. She had no right to 
cry or make sad faces. She is not the one who is hurt. On the 
contrary, she'd hurt badly someone dear to her heart. She had no 
right to cry. 

Sighing she went to sleep. Only then she realized that she even didn't 
want to cry. Her eyes were dry without any hint for tears. She 
grinned sadly: "I guess Seb was right about me. I am really cold and 
emotionless. I don't even cry anymore. I am dead inside."

However in the morning taking a shower she suddenly burst into 
tears. She was sitting on the floor crying silently her heart of. Here 
she was, alone - without anyone to comfort her. Just the water was 
rumbling something in its own language. Tears were falling from her 
eyes in big drops only to disappear in the water. No one was ever to 
know how bitter she felt inside. How hurt she was and how much she 
needed comfort this very moment. That moment she was alone on the 
whole planet, in the whole universe.

Days passed by. She tried to avoid thinking about what had 
happened. That was too painful. She pushed memories far away, 
concentrating on everything possible, trying not to hear again these 
hurting words: 'You are ice cold'; 'It wasn't ever serious for you'; 
'You can live without love'

She shook her head again and again trying to break free from this 
grip of self-torture. However it was not helping,

*** Serena's diary***

I pray that no one will ever feel such terrible loneliness as I do 
sometimes. I don't think anyone deserve to feel such pain. You know, 
the loneliness itself isn't that terrible as the feeling of not being sure 
in yourself. I know it's not good to think about such things, but 
sometimes I feel as if I am not worth anything, that I don't deserve to 
have friends, love and happiness. 

Maybe I should change somehow, so that people would like me? Just 
cut away the part of me that is demanding something, crying out for 
the unknown and start pretending to be like others. It's like a closed 
circle. I want to leave it, but some unexplainable force is keeping me 
inside nevertheless. 

You know what I am afraid of? That people will learn what truly 
I am - weak, unsure, silly girl and will turn away from me. Maybe 
that's the reason I refuse to reveal my real feelings, refuse to discuss 
my problems with anyone. I am afraid that it will get worse than it is 
now. 

Others don't want to deal with weaklings. Usually they made friends 
because that can get something from each other. Lately I begin to 
doubt the possibility of pure friendship relations. The world became 
too cruel. Everyone thinks solely about his own profit. Noone would 
agree to sacrifice his own life for others and stay unknown. 

Maybe the world was so cruel from the very beginning. It was only 
me who had never noticed that. I was too young and too naive to see 
true colors of life. I believed in love and justice. I believed in 
friendship. Slowly I start to think that maybe I was wrong all the 
way. 

***End of Serena's diary***

She was staring at her cup of hot chocolate. Nick was talking about 
something with out stopping for a breath. Not that she was listening 
to him too carefully. The blond was in her thoughts. However she 
was enjoying him company. 

Nick was a year older than she was. But he seemed much younger. 
He never thought of Serena as a possible girlfriend. No. She was 
more like a good friend to him, no matter that she was a girl. That 
was easy to understand knowing that he was deeply in love already 
and he saw no other girls around. Serena could only smile listening to 
his stories about his beautiful goddess. She never saw this girl but she 
knew everything possible about her already. 

Nick met his fiancee during high school. They were almost children 
these days, but the feeling grew with each day. It was not a short 
friendship or even love. It was a feeling that they can't live a single 
day without each other. But life was unfair. For some uncertain 
reasons his love had to go to Tokyo. Her family moved there so 
suddenly that couple couldn't protest against it. But their love didn't 
fade because of the distance between them. They spend every 
possible moment together.

"Actually I am going to Tokyo next term." Finally he got girls 
attention. Nick sounded so excited that Serena was almost white with 
envy. He was so happy that he radiated happiness around him. 
Suddenly Serena felt old. Not physically, but ? It was the feeling 
that she had lived everything in her life and nothing was left to enjoy. 
Sitting next to this boy, who was looking forward to meeting his 
beloved, Serena felt like her life was worthless.

Noticing Serena's expression and misunderstanding it, Nick 
continued: "But Serena, why don't you go, too? I heard there are still 
free places in Tokyo University in art department. You are one of the 
top students. I am sure there will be no problems with making 
exchanging contract with Tokyo University." 

Serena didn't expect something like that. She looked at him with 
confuse on her face.

"Really, that would be great! I heard you have never been to Tokyo 
before, right?" What could Serena answer? She was caught offguard. 
The only thing she could do was nod.

"Good!" Nick took her nod as a sign of agreement. "Let's go to your 
department. I am sure you will like to study in Tokyo."

Later that day Serena fully realized that she was going to study 
almost four months in University of Tokyo. She shook her head 
smiling: "I can't get away from Tokyo even if I'd wished to, can I. All 
right, let's just accept that fact. Anyway I need to change my life in 
certain ways. Maybe Tokyo will help?"

Before she went to Tokyo she sent Seb a letter. She was still unsure 
if it was a right thing to do, however the letter was already sent. 
Now, Serena could only hope that Seb would understand her point of 
view. The first few days after splitting up so painfully, her only wish 
was to let the things go. Just to forget that part of life and never to 
look back. However, soon she realized that to live further knowing 
that he hated her and thought wrongly about her was unbearable. 

"I had to explain to him. At least I had to try. I can't live knowing 
that he hates me or that he thinks about me with disgust. Maybe one 
day he will be able to forgive me for what I have done to him. Maybe 
we can still be friends with him. There are so many things that bond 
us together. However it is not love," she thought sitting already in the 
train that was taking her to Tokyo. 

She closed her eyes remembering the letter she had sent him:

"I hope that you will never experience the same feeling as I did. 
Never in your life. Believe me, it is much easier to be rejected, not 
loved, but the knowledge of being coldhearted and not capable to 
love... Believe me, it is much more awful. I am that 'lucky', I know 
this state of heart when you feel - no one understands you the right 
way. I experienced that not once or twice in my life. I don't want you 
to feel guilty or sorry for me. I just want you not to judge people like 
that again. Even if you are sure you know them very well. Believe 
me, one or two years or even 10 years means nothing. You think you 
know the person well enough. No, you don't. Please, never jump into 
conclusions, especially bad conclusions.

You feel miserable, broken-hearted, being a toy in my cruel hands. As 
if I wanted to hurt you on purpose. I hope that in time this feeling 
will fade away. Some people say that a broken heart can be cured. 
With all my heart I wish it to you, because in my entire life I never 
wished to hurt anyone, especially you, who gave me hope. Hope that 
I am not alone on this planet. Somewhere there are people who can 
understand me. Well... I guess I am not worth it. 

I don't have even right to cry: I am not the one who is hurt. Vise 
versa - 'I' hurt someone I never meant to hurt.

I should have broke up with you long ago. The moment I understood 
what you feel for me. But I was full of dreams. How could I dump a 
guy who was so gentle and tender to me? 'I', the girl who was 20 
years old, never experienced love before. I was blind from happiness. 
Never in my life was I loved. I was always alone. I never knew what 
friendship and love were. I learned to be alone. I learned to hide my 
tears. Believe me, it is not that easy. To smile when you want to cry.  
Just to sigh deeply and to go further. To pretend everything is 'oki-
doki'.   I learned to be patient, not to show my feelings. 

Later, I had to learn to be open to others again. For you. I wished 
that with all my heart. But bad habits die hard. I hope they still can 
die. I am tired to live like this. I am tired of life. But I can't be reborn 
clean and happy, all memories forgotten. And to change in one night 
is not possible at all. I just have to go on. I don't even have time to 
feel miserable or to think how to change my life into something 
better. In a few days I'll have a new period of my life - new people, 
new surroundings. Maybe I'll be that lucky enough to find someone 
who will be patient enough to see something good in me. 

How many times I wished to have someone, who will see inside of 
me and understand me without any long explanations. Sometimes I 
think I can actually tell everything to someone, everything that is 
inside of me. But then, it seems to me so useless, pretended. Like I 
am searching for pity. From other people's point of view my problems 
are not that big and bad, as they seem to me. Maybe I am just 
exaggerating everything too much. Anyway, what will it change 
when someone will learn how miserable I feel myself? Would it 
change something? The world will still remain the same. There is no 
place to run away. I must keep going. 'I' am the one who should 
change. How? I must find some way. No one will do it for me. 

I am sorry that you met me in the first place. I thought that someday 
I'd discover love with you. On the contrary I mess everything up. I 
am not worth your love. Forgive me and don't throw this letter away. 
Just read it one day again. The day when you'll recover from what 
I've done to you. Maybe you'll learn that I am not as ice-cold hearted 
as you thought."

She sighed looking into the window. The train was taking her to 
Tokyo. Maybe it was a new beginning? 'Remember to be strong!' she 
told herself. 'Smile or people will think that you are offended with 
something. Or even that you are too snobbish to talk to them. Be nice 
and hold your head up.'

In few hours of travelling she and Nick were standing at the Railway 
Station of Tokyo with suitcases. "She has to be somewhere here. She 
promised to meet me." Nick was repeating that hundred of times.

Serena smiled at that. "Don't worry, she will be here soon. I am 
sure?" She didn't need to finish because Nick rushed forward 
leaving suitcases to Serena's care. Now finally she saw her. She could 
recognize her even without Nick's help. The dark haired girl. Slim 
and a little bit pale. However her smile made her really beautiful. Her 
dark eyes with little violet shadow were shining with happiness. Nick 
hugged her so tightly that Serena thought poor girl would disappear 
in his strong arms. He almost lifted her from the floor. 

They approached to Serena who watched them with smile all that 
time. Nick was still holding girl's hand when he said: "Serena, please 
meet my beautiful goddess. I mean, my girlfriend Hotaru. Hotaru, 
this is Serena."

Hotaru smiled shyly: "I have heard about you a lot, Serena. Welcome 
to Tokyo!"

"Thank you." Serena returned the smile. "I heard about you a lot, 
too. Nick was talking only about you." She added looking slyly at 
Nick who was now blushing dark red. 

End of part 10

YEY.... It WAS long, as I promised, isn't it?

I know, I will never be satisfied with this chapter. I feel the urge to 
add more and more to this part each time I reread it. But this can't be 
possibly done. Gee... I'll be stuck with this part forever in this case. 
I wanted to express my soul here, so deal with it! ^^;

Anni
annushka78@hotmail.com 

25 November, 2000