SAILOR MOON GOES ON MTV'S CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH

Disclaimers:  The following fanfic you are about to read is a work of
total fiction.  Names, characters, places, and incidents are either
products of the author's imagination or used ficticiously.  Celebrity
Deathmatch is TM of MTV Networks.  All characters included herein are
? and TM of there respective owners.  This fanfic does not reflect the
views or opinions of anyone portrayed within.
        ...anyway, IT'S JUST ANIME!!!

<The scene opens up behind a capacity crowd on a wrestling ring.  Many
are wielding weapons and cheering wildly.  The camera holds on this
scene as tonight's matches are being called.>

Anouncer:  Tonight, can an Italian plumber from Brooklyn once and for
           all destroy his spiny, blue arch-nemesis?

<A picture of Mario facing right and a picture of Sonic the Hedgehog
facing left appears right next to each other, then disappear.>

Anouncer:  It's performer/producer versus performer/producer as a Benz-
           driving Harlem boy takes on his bald, Chicago counterpart.

<A picture of Puff Daddy facing left and a picture of Billy Corgen fac-
ing right appear next to each other, then disappear.>

Anouncer:  And in our Main event, <the words Main Event appear on the
           screen> Do the team of a moon-spawned superhero and a war-
           rior princess have what it takes to topple a big-gunned,
           big-breasted fighter and her martial artist partner from
           China?

<A picture of Sailor Moon and Marle facing right and a picture of Lara
Croft and Chun-Li facing left appear next to each other.>

Anouncer:  Find out this and more tonight on <the Celebrity Deathmatch
           logo clamps down on the screen as the two pictures disap-
           pear.>  CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!

<The logo flies at the camera and opens up.  The screen changes to the
commentators' table where three men are seated.  Two are dressed in
tuxedos, one has black hair and green eyes, while the other has blue
eyes, brown hair, and a brown mustache.  The third is wearing a black
vest with Austin 3:16 down one side, and S.O.B. and a skull down the
other, as well as a larger skull between the words "Hell Yeah" on back,
and blue jeans.  He has a brown gotigue, blue eyes, and a shaved head.>

Green-eyed anouncer:  Hello everyone, I'm Johnny Gomez.

Mustached anouncer:  I'm Nick Diamond.

Bald anouncer:  And I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin.  Guys, I gotta tell
                ya, this is gonna be a night to remember.

Johnny:  Right you are, Steve.  Folks, we have an excellent card lined
         up for ya tonight.  Let's run down the lineup.

<The scene changes back on the ring.  The words "Fight 1" appear on
the screen.  As the combatants are being anounced, their pictures ap-
pear on the screen and their names appear under their picture.>

Nick:  In our first bout, video game mascots collide as Nintendo's
       Super Mario does battle with Sonic the Hedgehog of SEGA.

<Scene changes back to commentators' table.>

Steve:  No love lost between these two icons of the video game indust-
        ry, so this will be on hell of a fight.  Think about it,
        though.  A nine year grudge is going to be settled here tonight
        in the Deathmatch Arena, and that's the bottom line.

<Scene changes back to the ring.  The words "Fight 2" appear on screen
followed by pictures of Puff Daddy and Billy Corgen.>

Johnny:  And after that, performers/producers go head to head as Sean
         "Puff Daddy" Combs meets Smashing Pumpkins' frontman Billy
         Corgen.

<Scene changes back to commentator's table.>

Johnny:  Nick, what're your predictions?

Nick:  Well Johnny, Billy can speed things up early on in the fight,
       as we've seen, so what Puffy has to do is slow him down and
       take the offensive early on.  After that, there would be little
       that Corgen could do.

<Scene changes back to the ring.  The words "Main event" appear on
screen.  A picture of Sailor Moon and Marle and Lara Croft and Cun-li
appear next to each other.>

Steve:  All this leads up to the Main Event of the evening, and may I
        say it's Ladies' Night here in the Deathmatch arena, as the
        team of Sailor Moon and Marle from Chrono Trigger take on Tomb
        Raider's Lara Croft and Chun-Li from the Street Fighter series.

<Scene changes back to commentator's table.>

Steve:  I don't think I've seen a more anticipated match in Deathmatch
        history, and there's no arguing that, is there?

Johnny:  I don't think so.  Anyway, let's see just how this match came
         to be, shall we?

<Footage of the Deathmatch between Sailor Moon and Marle is played.
The caption "5/17/98" appears in the lower left corner.>

Nick:  About 3 months ago, Sailor Moon did battle with Marle here in
       the Deathmatch arena.  <In the scene shown, Sailor Moon is shown
       throwing Marle over the top rope.>  Many thought Marle's career
       would be short-lived when she took on the wily veteran.  <Next
       scene:  Marle spin-kicks Sailor Moon, sending her down to the
       canvas, hard.  She then straddles her stomach and punches her
       in the face repeatedly.>

Johnny:  But Marle wasn't going down without a fight, and the battle
         raged on.  <Sailor Moon is seen elbowing Marle right in the
         mouth.>  If either one was gonna be victorious over the other,
         she would really have to earn it.  <Marle is seen pile-driving
         Sailor Moon.>

Steve:  That's right, Johnny, and the only thing that COULD stop these
        girls was when the 10 minute time limit expired and referee
        Mills Lane declared the match a time limit draw!  <A close-up
        shot of Marle, leaning over, hands on her knees.  Sweat drips
        off her forehead.>  And how did they take the decision?
        <Before Marle leaves, Sailor Moon extends her hand for a
        friendly handshake.  Looking around for a second, Marle shakes
        Moon's hand.  They then embrace each other.>  That's how.
        These two had nothing but respect for each other.

Johnny:  And they really won the fans over with their actions.  Every
         fan, except one.  <As Marle walks down the aisle back to the
         locker room, a woman dives over the security railing and as-
         saults Marle.>  Even though Sailor Moon rushed to her aid, the
         woman - who was later identified to be in fact Lara Croft -
         really let Marle have it.  <Sailor Moon walks back to the
         locker room, with Marle leaning on her for support.>

<Footage of the Deathmatch between Marle and Chun-Li is shown.  The
caption "Last week" appears in the lower left corner.  Marle is seen
uppercutting Chun-Li, as Lara Croft runs out to the ring.>

Nick:  Croft would still continue to be a thorn in Marle's side as she
       interfered in her match against Chun-Li last week.  <Lara jumps
       in the ring and immediately goes after Marle.>  And that's when
       Chun-li and Lara started a viscious double team on the helpless
       Marle.

<The two are shown throwing Marle into the turnbuckle, and she flips
completely over on impact.  Chun-li then hooks Marle's feet under the
metal rope holding the turnbuckle in place before joining Lara in kick-
ing her in the face and stomach.>

Steve:  Lemme tell ya, those two looked really big and bad beating up
        on someone inverted and defenseless, <Sailor Moon is then seen
        sprinting to the ring from the locker room.> and they looked
        even more brave when Sailor Moon came down to help out!  <The
        two attackers see Moon slide under the ropes into the ring and
        immediately jump over the nearest rope and out to the floor.
        Moon frees up Marle.>  In just one moment, she made jackasses
        out of both Lara Croft and Chun-li without even throwing punch
        one, and that's the way it is!

<Scene changes over to Sailor Moon standing next to Marle, holding a
microphone.  They are both leaning over the ropes calling out Lara
Croft and Chun-Li, who are standing at the entrance to the locker room,
looking on.>

Marle:  Lara Croft...you've been a pain in my ass for just a little too
        long!  Lemme ask you something...do you two LEZBOS <the crowd
        goes wild at this remark> have the guts to come out here and
        face the two of us?!  <Lara grabs a mic as the fans go wild
        again.>

Lara:  Lemme...lemme get this straight.  Are you calling us out?

Sailor Moon: <turning Marle's hand so the mic is near her mouth>  We're
             calling your asses out right here, right now, girlfriend!

<Chun-li hesitates a moment as everyone in the audience is on their
feet, cheering wildly.>

Chun-li:  You wanna piece of us?!

Moon and Marle:  YEAH!!!

<Moon slams her fists on the top rope, causing them to shake.  Marle is
motioning for them to bring it on.>

Lara:  Anytime, anyplace!

Sailor Moon:  <Glancing at Marle> How about right here next week, then?
              <The crowd goes wild.>

Lara:  You got it!

Chun-li:  We'll bring the pain; all yous gots to do is show up!

Marle:  Hey, don't sing on, bring it on!

<The scene changes back to the commentators' table.>

Steve:  The electricity is so thick here tonight, you can cut it with a
        knike!  I just might flip out, I can't wait.

Johnny:  Well, try to control yourself until then, Steve.  Because it's
         time for our first undercard bout between Super Mario and
         Sonic the Hedgehog.  Let's go down to the ring.

<The scene changes to the ring where Sonic is stands in one corner and
Mario standing in the other corner.  Both are staring each other down.>

[Note:  During all the matches, the attention is focused on the match
itself.  Nick's, Johnny's, and Steve's voices are from off-camera, un-
less otherwise stated.]

Ring anouncer:  First, in the red corner, <the camera shows a full shot
                of the combatant.> originally from Brookly, New
                York, now residing in Redmond, Washington, standing
                6'3", weighing 275 pounds, the most popular face in
                video game history, SUPER MARIO!!!

<The crowd sends out cheers as Mario gives peace signs and raises his
arms.>

Mario:  Hey, it's-a me, Mario!

<The camera shows a full shot of the other combatant.>

Ring anouncer:  His opponent, in the blue corner, from the planet
                Mobius, standing 5'2", weighing 120 pounds, the inno-
                vator of speed, SONIC THE HEDGEHOG!!!

<The crowd cheers again as Sonic spreads his arms out, welcoming the
crowd, and flashes a sinister smile.>

Sonic:  Thank you, thank you. <blows kisses.>  If you wanna see Mario
        get his fat ass handed to him on a silver platter, gimme a hell
        yeah!  <The cheers turn to boos as fans start throwing stuff at
        him.>

Johnny:  <tapping Steve's shoulder> He's stealing your line, Steve.  Ya
         hear that?

Steve:  I hear it alright, and now I hope that Mario kicks his scrawny
        blue ass!

<The camera now focuses on the referee.>

Ring anouncer:  Our referee in charge of the fight, Mills Lane.  <Mills
                then taps his nose with his index finger, and then
                points at the camera.>

Mills:  Alright gentlemen, step over here, please?  <Mario and Sonic
        walk in view of the camera.>  Now I want a tough, clean fight
        from both of you, and obey my commands at all times.  Any
        questions?  <No responce.>  Let's get it on!  <The crowd goes
        wild.>

<The shot is now from outside and slightly above the ring.  Mills Lane
steps back as the bell rings.  Sonic then charges at Mario.>

Nick:  Sonic's not waisting any time going right after Mario.

<Sonic then dives at Mario's legs, but is sent flying back by a kick to
the face.>

Johnny:  It looked like he was going for a Greco-Roman style takedown
         there, but not happening!

<The camera shows Sonic standing in the corner, a big boot indent in
his forehead.  He shakes his head and it returns to it's original
shape.>

Nick:  Sonic isn't going to out-power Mario anytime soon, as you can
       see.

<We then see Sonic bounce off the ropes and collide into Mario chest-
first.  Mario doesn't move.  He tries this using the second and third
sets of ropes.  Same results.>

Steve:  Well Mario is about twice as big and has a head-and-a-half on
        him, I think it's about time he puts those advantages to use!
        <As Sonic bounces off the fourth ropes, he hurls himself at
        Mario, only to be caught in mid-flight and then power-slammed
        down.>  There ya go!

Johnny:  Excellent power slam by Mario.

Nick:  That'll hurt in the morning!

<Sonic struggles to his feet, and leaps toward Mario.  He starts kick-
ing his face so fast his red shoes look like a blur to Mario.>

Nick:  And there's Sonic's legendary speed we've talked about.  <Sonic
       eventually kicks Mario over the ropes and onto the floor.  He
       lets out a triumphant yell as Mario crashes to the floor.>  Ma-
       rio was kicked stupid and out onto the floor!

Sonic:  Yeah!!!  Nintendo sucks!  <crowd starts booing.>  Who's da man?
        I'm da man!

<Meanwhile, Mario climbs the turnbuckle.>

Johnny:  But Mario's not gonna take it lying down!

Steve:  Turn around you piece of trash!

<As Sonic turns around, Mario plants his two boots in Sonic's face.
Sonic falls down hard.>

Nick:  Ooo!  Beautiful missile drop kick by the Brooklyn plumber!
       <Sonic does a kip-up.>  Sonic right back up, though, <Sonic
       starts to grapple with Mario in the center of the ring.>  Collar
       and elbow tieup, now.  It seems to me like Mario's just toy-

<Just then, a dog wearing blue jeans charges down the aisle.  He slides
under the ring ropes in mid-stride.>

Johnny:  Wait a minute!  Is that...Crash Bandicoot?!

Steve:  You're damn right, Johnny, <Crash clotheslines Mario and Sonic,
        knocking them down.> and he wants a piece of both Mario AND
        Sonic!

<Mario and Sonic slowly get to their feet.  Crash looks at both of
them.  Mario and Sonic then glance at each other, then at Crash.  Se-
conds later, they double team Crash.>

Johnny:  Crash is getting a little more than he bargained for coming
         down here!

<Sonic then flings Crash into the turnbuckle, and then Mario, right
onto Crash.>

Steve:  Two foes united against a common enemy.  Unbelievable!  <Mario
        choke slams Crash and steps back.  Sonic is waiting on a top
        turnbuckle.>  He's settin' him up for something!

<Sonic jumps off, and curls up into a ball.  He lands on Crash's chest,
as blood and guts spew all over and on a lot of the fans.>

Nick:  There it is!  The Mobian Spike Ball Drop!  <Sonic uncurls and
       high fives Mario.>  What a turn of events here!  Let's look at
       the replay.

<A slow-motion clip of the match is shown.  In the first scent Crash is
chlotheslining Mario and Crash.>

Steve:  Here we see Crash taking out the two combatants, right there
        sealing his fate.  <Next clip:  the slow motion shot of Mario
        choke-slamming Crash.>  There you see the choke slam by Mario,
        Crash is helpless in the middle of the ring, and then <Sonic
        performs the Mobian Spike Ball Drop.> BAM!  It's bye-bye bandi-
        coot!  All the Pepto Bismol in the world ain't gonna cure that
        stomach-ache.

<Screen changes over to commentators' table.>

Nick:  An unprecedented turn of events leads us to our first commercial
       break.  We'll be right back with more Celebrity Deathmatch.

<The camera focuses back on the ring, while the Celebrity Death-
match logo appears.>

<A few lame commercials, and the Deathmatch Logo appears on the screen.
The ring and the crowd are in focus.  The screen changes back to the
commentators' table.>

Nick:  Welcome back.  If you're just joining us, we've witnessed two
       enemies become allies in a dramatic finish to our first Death-
       match.  <The same clip rolls.>  Mario and Sonic were at each
       others throats when fellow rival mascot Crash Bandicoot dropped
       by for a visit.  But Mario and Sonic put their differences aside
       and demolished the wily interloper.

Johnny:  The first of three great matches is done now, so let's go over
         to our broadcast colleague, Stacie Cornbred, who is in the
         locker room with Lara Croft and Chun-li.  Stacie?

<The screen changes over to a woman with a blond ponytail and a red
dress on, holding a mic, standing next to Lara Croft and Chun-li.  The
name Stacie Cornbred appears on the screen for a moment, then disap-
pears.  Lara and Chun-li are dressed in their usual attires.>

Stacie:  Thanks, Johnny.  I'm here with Lara Croft and Chun-li back in
         the locker room area.  <Turning to Lara>  Lara, you and your
         colleague are going up against a powerful opponent here.

Lara:  I assume you mean if they actually show up, right?  I mean...
       <takes the mic out of Stacie's hand.  They talk right into the
       camera.> we all heard Sailor and Moon and Marle talk tough,
       but, <she starts to chuckle and look around mockingly.> where
       are they?  They haven't been seen since!

Chun-li:  You know what?  It's better that they DON'T show up, anyway,
          because we don't wanna make them look like asses TOO much,
          right?

Lara:  <laughing> Sailor Moon...Marle...whether you show up, whether
       you stay home, you can't win!  <They both start laughing manic-
       ly.>

Voice 1:  <from off-camera> So why don't you back up your horse mouth,
          huh?

Voice 2:  <from off-camera> What're you waiting for?  C'mon!

<The camera turns to the locker room entrance.  The picture blurs for
a second while it focuses on the two women, Sailor Moon and Marle.
They enter, soon followed by the other 4 scouts, Tuxedo Mask and Crono,
putting his Oakley sunglasses in his shirt collar.

Stacie:  Well guys, Sailor Moon and Marle have just arrived here at the
         Deathmatch arena.

<Dead silence from both parties.>

Sailor Moon:  So whatcha got?

Chun-li:  <pushing Sailor Moon> Hey, back the (bleep) off!

Tuxedo Mask:  <quite angry> You wanna say that again, (bleep)?! <Chun-
              li is startled and backs up.>

Lara:  You don't scare me, you little (bleep)!  <She gets right in Mar-
       le's face.>

Crono:  <pushing Lara> Yo, you watch your mouth or I will beat your ass
        down, ya hear me?!

<Lara and Crono stare each other down.>

Stacie:  <to camera> Well, things are really heating up here in the
         locker room.  <A slew of bleeps is heard in the background as
         security arrives to break things up.> Back to you guys!

<The scene changes back to Nick, Johnny, and Steve.  Not all of the
desk is in view.>

Johnny:  I don't think that the Deathmatch arena will be enought to
         contain this battle!

<The camera quickly zooms out so that the entire desk is in view.  A
black man dressed in a silver suit with a black dress shirt underneath
is seated to Johnny's left.>

Man:  These guys are tryin' to kill each other.  Why don't they try to
      love one another?

Steve:  Actually, you can bet your bottom dollar that they could never
        be friends.

Nick:  Joining us now is a member of camp Bad Boy, Mase.  <The crowd
       cheers.>

Mase:  Nice to be here Nick.  <stands up and plays to the crowd>  Har-
       lem World!  <The crowd cheers louder than before.>

Johnny:  <laughing> Mase, what are your thoughts on Puffy's match to-
         night against Billy Corgen?

Mase:  Well, I have a lot of respect for the Smashing Pumpkins, their
       music and whatever, but Puffy's gonna beat the living crap outta
       Corgen tonight.

Nick:  We'll just have to wait and see, though.  Let's go down to the
       ring, where the match is just about to begin.

<Scene changes to ringside.  Mills Lane is standing in the center,
while Billy Corgen and Puffy are in opposite corners.>

Ring anouncer:  In the red corner, wearing white, from Harlem, New
                York, rap superstar and head of Bad Boy records, SEAN
                "PUFF DADDY" COMBS!!! <the crowd cheers.  He is
                dressed in an all white tuxedo.>

Puff Daddy:  How you all doin' tonight? <The crowd goes wild.>  I love
             you all.  <looking up>  B.I.G. this one's for you.

Ring anouncer:  His opponent, wearing all black, from Chicago, Illi-
                nois, leader and lead singer of the Smashing Pumpkins,
                BILLY CORGEN!!! <the crowd cheers again.  He is dressed
                the same way he did for the video "Ava Adore.">

Billy Corgen: <in a seemingly unenthused tone> Hey.

<The view switches to referee Mills Lane.>

Mills:  <waving his hands in a come here motion> Gentlemen!  <Billy and
        Puffy come into view.>  Okay, you know the rules: no hitting
        below the belt.  Obey my commands at all times.  And <to Puffy>
        any use of ebonics and I'll throw your ass outta here!  Let's
        dance!

<The bell rings as Mills steps back.  The view changes to the previous
view.>

Nick:  Heeeere we go!

<Billy and Puffy start circling each other.  Then, Billy goes to tie-
up, but Puffy punches him.>

Johnny:  Ooo!  Nice jab there by Puff Daddy.  <Billy retaliates with a
         right cross.  They start exchanging right-handed punches.>
         An exchange of right hands, here.  <Billy's next punch knocks
         Puffy off-balance, and he hits him twice.>

Nick:  Billy with the advantage, now.  <Puffy retaliates with a kick to
       the stomach, causing Billy to keel over.>  Puffy retaliates into
       a front headlock... <He drives Billy's head into the canvas.>
       into a DDT!

<The crowd cheers as Puffy climbs the turnbuckle and faces the crowd.
The scene changes over to Billy Corgen getting up, holding his head.
He then reaches behind his back and pulls out a large pumpkin.>

Steve:  He better pay attention to the match and not to the crowd.

Johnny:  <shocked> Where the hell'd he get THAT from?!

<As Puffy climbs off the ropes, he turns to his opponent.  Which is
precisely when he smashes the pumpkin on his head.  Puffy's head is
trapped inside.>

Nick:  The Chicago Pumpkin Smash!  Incredible!

<Puffy wanders around aimlessly, hands stretched out in front of him.
Corgen, standing back a couple steps, is laughing hysterically.>

Puffy:  Mmmmph!  Whumph iff thiff?!  Lemme oudda humph!

<He pushes on the bottom of the pumpkin with his palms, and it flies
off.  It hits Billy's head and it shatters into hundreds of shards.>

Nick:  Puffy retaliates with his own pumpkin!  <He brushes the shards
       off his face to see Puffy charging him.  He puts his foot in his
       face as he charges him.>  But Billy was ready for it!

<Billy throws Puffy out of the ring.>

Johnny:  And Puff Daddy goes flying out of the ring.

<Billy turns to acknowledge the cheers of the crowd.  Meanwhile, Puffy
climbs on the ring, on the outside of the ropes.  He's holding a pla-
tinum record.>

Steve:  I don't think now's the time or place for a game of firsbee...

Puffy:  Heads up!

<He flings the platinum record at Billy.  As Billy turns, it slices
through his neck, sending his head flying into the stands.  It splashes
into some fat guy's beer tub.>

Nick:  The platinum discus slice!  <The remains of Billy's body col-
       lapse.>  It's all over, folks.  <Referee Mills Lane raises Puff
       Daddy's arm.>

<The view switches over to an instant replay.  The words "Instant Re-
play" flash in the upper left hand corner.>

Johnny:  Here's the instant replay, now.  <First Clip:  Billy smashes
         the pumpkin over Puffy's head in slow motion.>  Here we see
         Billy letting him have it with the pumpkin, where he got it
         from is beyond me.  <Next clip:  Puffy finishes off Billy Cor-
         gen.>  I guess we'll never know, now, because later, Puffy
         decapatates Billy with that platinum album in one swift pass.

Steve:  Two great matches, but they're just appetizers before the main
        course!

Nick:  And with that in mind, let's go to our hidden camera down in the
       locker room, where it appears that Sailor Moon & co. are having
       a meeting with Marle and Crono.

<The screen shows the hidden camera in Sailor Moon's locker room.
Mars, Venus, and Jupiter are seated on a bench.  Mercury is leaning on
a locker.  Sailor Moon is pacing around.  Tuxedo Mask is standing be-
hind a couch where Crono and Marle are seated.  The camera view is
steady.>

Crono:  <putting his sunglasses in his pocket> I'm not trying to put
        you guys down, but those two seem like too much.

Jupiter:  Having second thoughts, Crono?

Crono:  No, it's just that-

Mercury:  <cutting him off> Please, can we all just try to relax for a
          second?

Marle:  Yeah, Merc's right.  This is no time to lose focus.

Mars:  How do you plan to take them out?

Venus:  Their lack of teamwork should provide you with some kinda ad-
        vantage.  I mean, they've only been together for a week.

Tuxedo Mask:  That's right.  We've been together for about 3 months
              now.

Crono:  <standing up> So what's the plan?

Moon:  It's gonna take more than just teamwork to destroy them.  If we
       can't get a physical advantage over them, <She glances at Tuxedo
       Mask, who then starts to open a locker.>  we'll just have to
       screw with their minds, tee-hee!

Marle:  <standing next to Crono> And how do we do that?

Tuxedo Mask:  <opening up the locker> With these.

<As he opens the door up all the way, Crono and Marle notice the cloth-
ing hanging there.  A deep blue tuxedo, different than Mask's in color
only, is hanging next to a sailor fuku, just like Moon's, only gold is
in place of the red, and the blue is replaced with silver.  Tuxedo
tosses the clothes to Marle and Crono.>

Marle:  <examining the fuku> You want us to dress like you two?

Moon:  Yep.  Call it a form of unity.

Mask:  Plus, she really hates the Sailor Scouts.  They'll be so full of
       hate, they won't even be able to think clearly.

Crono:  This is perfect.  <He and Marle look over at each other, then
        start to laugh.>

<The scene changes back over to Nick, Johnny and Steve at the commenta-
tor's table.>

Steve:  The intensity is mounting here by the minute, we'll have that
        match right after this!

<The scene changes over to behind the crowd on the ring.  The Celebrity
Deathmatch logo appears on screen.>

<More boring commercials, and then the scene changes back over to the
Deathmatch Logo.  The scene changes back to Steve, Nick and Johnny.>

Nick:  Welcome back.  We're now ready for our main event, but first,
       let's recap what we just saw moments ago.  <The same clip
       plays.> Billy Corgen took on fellow producer/performer Puff
       Daddy.  Despite some smashing offense by Corgen, it would be
       Puffy who would get the last laugh as a firsbee fling goes dead-
       ly.

Johnny:  And that brings us to our main event of the evening.  A tag-
         team grudge match between the teams of Sailor Moon and Marle
         and Lara Croft and Chun-Li.

<The scene changes over to ringside.>

Steve:  So it all comes down to this.  There's no other way to settle
        this matter than right here in the Deathmatch Arena.

Ring anouncer:  First, coming down the aisle, wearing green and brown,
                standing 6'1", weighing 165 lbs., gun-toting treasure
                hunter and genius scientist, LARA CROFT!!!

<Boos come from the audience.  They enter the ring.>

Ring anouncer:  Her partner, hailing from China, wearing blue, standing
                5'8," weighing 145 lbs, the self-proclaimed strongest
                woman in the world,  CHUN-LI!!!

<More boos.  The scene changes to backstage.>

Nick:  As Lara and Chun-li enter the ring, our camera crew has agreed
       to follow Marle and Sailor Moon out to ring.

<The view changes to Marle talking to Sailor Moon.  The rest of the
gang is standing in back.>

Sailor Moon:  Ready Marle?

Marle:  Ready.

Sailor Moon:  Let's go.

<The camera holds on Sailor Moon and co. as they walk through the back-
stage area, and out to the aisle.  Sailor Moon enters first with the
other four scouts and Tuxedo Mask following.>

Ring anouncer:  <as Sailor Moon enters the arena.>  Their opponents,
                first, coming down the aisle, accompanied by fellow
                scouts Mars, Mercury, Venus and Jupiter and Tuxedo
                Mask, from the moon, wearing red, white and blue, stan-
                ding 5'7," weighing 130 lbs, known the world over as
                the champion of love and justice, she is the one called
                SAILOR MOON!!!

<The crowd goes wild as flashbulbs blaze all over.  Sailor Moon mot-
ions to the back and Marle and Crono enter.  Crono looks just like
Tuxedo Mask, only his tuxedo is midnight blue and the inside of his
cape is a lighter blue.>

Ring anouncer:  <as Marle enters the arena.>  Her partner, accompanied
                by Prince Crono, from the kingdom of Guardia, wearing
                silver, white and gold, standing 5'5," weighing 118
                lbs., warrior princess and master of Ice magic, here is
                MARLE!!!

<Marle gets a similar reception.  She high-fives Moon as they head down
to the ring.  The two enter, not taking their eyes off Lara and Chun-
li.  Mills Lane takes control of the action.  The other six are outside
the ring.>

Mills:  Okay, I've explained the rules to all of you; I want a tough,
        clean fight, obey my commands at all times, and no biting or
        scratching.  Any questions?

Chun-li:  Yeah, do you two want fancy funerals?

<Moon and Marle try to rush the two, but Mills lane is holding all of
them apart.>

Mills:  Settle down, now, settle down.  Now...let's get it on!

<The crowd goes nuts as the bell rings and Mills Lane steps back.  As
the briefing was going on, Crono and Tuxedo Mask headed for the broad-
cast area.>

Nick:  So it's gonna be Marle and Chun-li starting this match-up off.
       <Sailor Moon and Lara are standing on the ring apron in oppo-
       site corners.  The other two are staring each other down.>  This
       is gonna be interesting.  Who's your fav Steve?

Steve:  Well, Croft and Li have the size advantage, but Moon and Marle
        are no pushovers.  They can really let you have it.

<Chun-Li starts trash talking at Marle.>

Johnny:  Trash talk going on now.

<As she reaches and pokes at Marle, she flings her finger away.  Li
shoves Marle, who then spits in her face.>

Steve:  Ohhh!  That'll get someone's attention!

<Lara charges Marle, but is then hip tossed.>

Voice 1:  <rather faint> He-heyyy!  How ya's doin?

Voice 2:  <rather faint> Mind if we join you?

<Scene changes over to commentators' table.  Nick, Johnny, and Steve
look over at the two men coming over.>

Steve:  Yeah, why not?  I got no beef with yas.

<Johnny, Nick and Steve slide down so Tuxedo Mask and Crono can sit
down.>

Johnny:  Uh, joining us now for some color commentary are Tuxedo Mask &
         Crono.  <They place their top hats on the table.>

Crono:  Wzup guys?  How are you?

Nick:  Just fine, thanks.  Lookin' good Crono!

Crono:  Ha Haaaaa!

Tuxedo Mask:  This is just great.

<Scene changes back to the action.  Chun-li just tagged in Lara Croft.>

Crono:  I've always wanted to see a Deathmatch.

Nick:  Lara Croft tagged in now.

<Marle watches as Lara steps in to take Chun-li's place.  She then
grins and cracks her knuckles.>

Marle:  Oh?  What's this?

<Marle looks around as the crowd starts cheering.  She points to Sailor
Moon.>

Marle:  (to the crowd) Should I tag her?!

<The crowd goes crazy as she looks to Crono.>

Crono:  Do it girl!

<Marle walks over and tags Sailor Moon.>

Crono:  Woo-hooo!!! <The crowd is louder now.>

Tuxedo Mask:  <throwing his arms up knocking off both hats.>  YES!

<Sailor Moon gets in the ring and tackles Lara Croft.  She straddles
her and starts punching her face.>

Johnny:  We've seen that move before!

<Lara shoves Sailor Moon off.>

<As Sailor Moon and Lara Croft start brawling in the ring, Chun-li
reaches under the ring and drags out a steel case.  She places it stan-
ding up about a foot off the floor.  The scene changes back to the
action.>

Steve:  Whaddya suppose Chun-li's up to?

<Chun-li walks across the ring apron and throws an unopened soda can at
Marle.  It hits her in the head and looks over at her.>

Nick:  I don't really think that's necessary!

<Marle starts chasing Chun-li across the floor.>

Johnny:  Marle giving chase now.

<As Chun-li rounds her corner, Marle still follows.  She trips over the
metal case that was pulled out earlier, and hits her head on the steel
steps.  She is unconscious - but persumed dead - on impact.>

Crono:  <standing up> MARLE!!!

<Scene changes over to where Marle is lying "dead" on the floor.>

Nick:  A devious plot by Chun-li is a success as Marle is out, and they
       have a 2-on-1 advantage over Sailor Moon.

Tuxedo Mask:  Crono, try and control yourself, man!  <Crono's hands are
              still trembling as he helps him back in his seat.>

<Chun-li enters the ring with a baseball bat.>

Steve:  Chun-li's gonna play some hardball here tonight.

<Lara body slams Moon as she is handed the baseball bat.  Chun-li pulls
her up by her hair, and hooks her arms behind her back.>

Johnny:  If this means what I think it means, we're gonna have our win-
         ners very shortly!

<Lara pauses, then swings the bat as hard as she can.  Sailor Moon dod-
ges her head at the last possible second as Chun-li's head is split o-
pen.>

Crono:  SHE MISSED!!!  SHE MISSED!!!

<Chun-li collapses dead in the middle of the ring.>

Nick:  Well, that advantage was rather short-lived, wasn't it?

<Sailor Moon dumps Chun-li's remains outside the ring.>

Steve:  It's one-on-one now!

<Moon and Croft start to punch each other.  Lara eventually out-powers
her and puts a side headlock on her.>

Lara:  Urrgh!  <grabbing her odangoes> Now, I'll mess that pretty hair
       of yours!  <Lara croft starts spinning.>

<The scene changes to Sailor Moon, spinning upside down while Lara
holds her hairstyle for dear life.  The background spins behind her.>

Sailor Moon:  AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!

<The scene changes to Lara Croft, arms stretched out.  The background
spins behind her.>

Lara:  <mockingly> Having fun?

<She then let go of her hair, holding the jewels in her hands.  She
watched as Moon flew into the sixth row, colliding with some fans.>

Johnny:  And Sailor Moon goes flying into the stands!

<Lara stands in the center of the ring, looking at Moon struggle to get
up.  She then drops the hair pieces and steps on them, breaking them.>

Steve:  Ohhh, no...

<Sailor Moon sees this, grabs a chair, and hops on the railing and
through the ropes.  The chair hits Lara right in the ribs, and she
keels over.>

Tuxedo Mask:  That's gotta hurt.

Nick:  Nice gut check with the chair by Sailor Moon.  <She then hits
       Lara in the head with the chair.>  And an even nicer follow-up!

<Lara stumbles into the corner.  Moon follows her in and starts fore-
arm chopping at Lara.>

Audience: <as each chop connects> WOOOOOOOOOoooooooo!!!!!

Steve:  Moon's putting that advantage she's got to good use, now.

Crono:  Those chops sound like they hurt.

Nick:  Shades of the Nature Boy Ric Flair.

<After one more chop, and one more 'Woooo!', Lara kicks Moon in the
face, and then clothelines her.>

Johnny:  Ooo!  Sailor Moon is down!

<Lara picks up her legs, steps through with one, crosses her ankles
together, and turns her over on her stomach.>

Steve:  It's all over now!

Nick:  Some call it the Sharpshooter, some call it the Scorpion Death
       Lock, Lara calls it the Tomb Raider.

Crono:  I call it painful.

Tuxedo Mask:  C'mon Sailor Moon, hold on!

<Referee Mills Lane comes over to see if Sailor Moon gives up.>

Mills:  <kneeling> Sailor Moon, whaddya say?  Do you give?

Sailor Moon: <trying to reach out for the ring ropes> No!

<While Lara has Sailor Moon tied up, we see Marle stagger to her feet,
holding her head.>

Crono:  <seeing Marle get up> WAIT A MINUTE!  SHE'S OK!!!

<Marle hits Lara from behind with a steel folding chair, causing her to
break the hold.  Lara falls down on her face.>

Crono:  YAHOO!!!

Nick:  Marle coming in to help out her partner!

Steve:  That can only mean one thing!  When she hit her head on those
        steps there, she didn't die, she was just out for a while!

<Everyone in the stands is on their feet, cheering wildly.>

Sailor Moon:  Marle?!  I...I thought you were dead!

Marle:  <shrugging> So did the rest of the world.

<While Moon and Marle are conversing, Lara reaches out of the ring and
grabs a sawed-off shotgun.>

Steve:  Lara wants to take this into a sudden death shootout!

Lara: <pointing the gun at Marle> DIE BITCH!!!!!

Marle: <pointing at the gun> ICE!

<The gun - as well as Lara's hand - freeze and break off, shattering on
impact with the ring.>

Steve:  Leave it to Marle to turn freezer burn into a deadly weapon!

Marle:  Let's get her!

<Lara charges at the two, and they double boot her right in the face to
the cheers of the crowd.>

Johnny:  A devistating double boot right in the mouth!

<When Lara refuses to fall down, they both walk up to her and head butt
her at the same time.>

Nick:  Double noggin knocker!

Steve:  That got her down!

Crono & Tuxedo Mask:  YEAH!!!

<Marle signals to the crowd as Sailor Moon drags Lara by the ankles to
the center of the ring.  Moon looks to Tuxedo Mask.>

Tuxedo Mask:  Yes!  Yes!  Go for it!

<With that, Sailor Moon proceeds to put the Tomb Raider on Lara.>

Nick:  Sailor Moon's gonna try to put her away with her OWN finishing
       move!

Steve:  Unbelievable!

<Moon settles back on Lara's lower back as Marle gets the fans riled up
even more.  Mills Lane checks for the submission.>

Mills:  Lara-

<Lara is screaming and pounding her hand on the ring.>

Mills:  <Motioning to the timekeeper> It's over, ring the bell!

<The crowd goes insane as the bell rings.  As she releases the hold &
stands, she and Marle embrace as the others enter the ring, cheering.>

Crono:  YEAH!!!

Tuxedo Mask:  WOO-HOOOO!!!  'Scuse us guys, but uh, we gotta go.

<He and Crono leave the broadcast desk to join the festivities.>

Mills:  <raising Marle's and Sailor Moon's arms> Here are your winners,
        Sailor Moon and Marle!

<Tuxedo Mask and Crono enter the ring.>

Crono:  <hugging Marle> You had us so worried, there, Marle.

Marle:  Well, you know I'm full of surprises.

Crono:  <hugging her again> You're damn right.

Tuxedo Mask:  <as Sailor Moon flings herself into his arms> You did
              great honey.

Sailor Moon:  Thanks, muffin.  That bitch got what she deserved.

Tuxedo Mask:  Take a bow, you two.  You've earned it.

<They let go and stand on the turnbuckles, arms raised, facing the
crowd.  The crowd responds with insane cheering.  The scene changes to
Lara, walking back to the locker room, looking back at the ring.>

Lara:  <to herself> Sailor Moon...Marle...this isn't over yet...

<She disappears back into the locker room.  The scne changes to the
commentators' table.>

Nick:  Well, the festivities continue as another thrilling night of
       Deathmatches comes to a close.  I'm Nick Diamond,

Johnny:  I'm Johnny Gomez,

Steve:  And I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin, saying...

Nick, Johnny & Steve together:  Good fight, goodnight.

                THE END.

=========================

Ari:  I decided to take a short break from writing my series "Dark on
      the Outside" to write this cute little piece here.  If you don't
      or never have watched MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch, you may have
      had some trouble following this.  It's a great show, by the way.
      As usual, send comments to WaSP g0ld@aol.com with your comments.
      Thank you.