MTV's Celebrity Deathmatch - Episode 3 by Ari
WaSPG0LD@aol.com

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                MTV'S CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH:  EPISODE 3
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Disclaimers:  The following fanfic you are about to read is a work of
total fiction.  Names, characters, places, and incidents are either
products of the author's imagination or used ficticiously.  Celebrity
Deathmatch is TM of MTV Networks.  All characters included herein are
? and TM of there respective owners.  This fanfic does not reflect the
views or opinions of anyone portrayed within.
        ...anyway, IT'S JUST ANIME!!!

<The scene opens up behind a capacity crowd on a wrestling ring.  Many
are waving signs and cheering wildly.  The camera holds on this scene
as tonight's matches are being called.>

Anouncer:  Tonight, is the true Hitman in professional sports a Canadi-
           an-born wrestler or a hard hitting boxer?

<A picture of Bret Hart facing right and a picture of Thomas Hearns fa-
cing left appear next to each other, and then zoom an the camera.>

Anouncer:  A hot-headed commentator is seeking revenge on a thumb-wav-
           ing film critic in a mystery partner tag match.  Will he
           prevail?  And who will their partners be?

<A picture of Nick Diamond facing right and a picture of Roger Ebert
facing left appear next to each other.  Both have shadows behind them,
accented in white question marks.  The pictures zoom at the camera.>

Anouncer:  And, it's a no holds barred grudge match between the Royal
           Sailor Scout and her seemingly former best friend, a purple-
           haired genius.  Is the end of a beautiful friendship?

<A picture of Marle/Sailor Guardia facing right and a picture of Lucca
facing left appear next to each other, then zoom at the camera.>

Anouncer:  All this and more, tonight, on <the Celebrity Deathmatch lo-
           go clamps down on the screen as the two pictures disapear.>
           CELEBRITY DEATHMATCH!!!

<The logo flies at the camera and opens up.  The screen changes to the
commentators' table where two men are seated.  One is dressed in a tux-
edo, has black hair and green eyes. The other is wearing a black
vest with 3:16 down one side, and S.O.B. and a skull down the other, as
well as a rattlesnake head between the words "Don't Trust Anyone" on
back, and blue jeans.  He has a brown gotigue, blue eyes, and a shaved
head.  Fans are cheering behind them.  Both are wearing headsets.>

Green-eyed anouncer:  Greetings, fight fans.  I'm Johnny Gomez.

Bald anouncer:  And I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Johnny:  And welcome to another blood and violence-filled edition of
         Celebrity Deathmatch.  I'm proud to anounce a new feature here
         on Celebrity Deathmatch!  <They both look up.  Scene changes
         to directly above their heads.>  We now have ringside seating!

Steve:  That's right Johnny.  It's always nice putting an addition to
        the Deathmatch Arena, <Scene changes down to the previous view,
        but Steve is still looking up.> and if ya ask me, this one's a
        long time overdue.

Johnny:  <tapping Steve's shoulder> Uh, Steve...

Steve:  <looking at Johnny>  What?  <he points at the camera.  Steve
        looks at the camera.>  Oh...right.

Johnny:  It happens, Steve.  Anyway, we have an excellent card lined up
         for you here tonight, and-

<All of a sudden, "Everlong" by the Foo Fighters starts playing, full
blast.  Steve and Johnny are startled by this, and look around nervous-
ly.>

Johnny:  W-what the...

<Scene changes over to the camera panning the audience.>

Steve:  I don't recognize that as being anyone's entrance music, do you
        Johnny?

Johnny:  No, who could that be?

<Scene changes over to the entrance to the arena.  Red, yellow, green
and blue sirens flash, and shortly after, Sailor Moon enters to the in-
sane cheers of the crowd.>

Steve:  It's her!

Johnny:  It's Sailor Moon, ladies and gentlemen!  <As she makes her way
         to the ring, the lights get dim as she enters, and strikes
         her famous pose as pyrotechnics go off above and around the
         ring.>  The champion of love and justice is in the house!

Steve:  This crowd is jacked through the roof, Johnny!

<Sailor Moon steps through the ropes and out to the floor...in front of
the broadcast station.  She takes a seat next to Johnny Gomez and puts
on a headset.>

Sailor Moon:  <as the music stops> Hey boys!  How ya doing tonight?

Steve:  We're doin' just fine here, how about yourself?

Johnny:  So this means you're going to join us for some color commen-
         tary, then?

Sailor Moon:  Sure!

Johnny:  Alright then.  Joining us tonight for color commentary, she is
         the one called Sailor Moon! <The crowd cheers.>

Sailor Moon:  Thanks, guys.  So what kinda fights we got tonight?

<Scene changes over to above the ring and behind the crowd.>

Steve:  Hell, we've got a buffet of blood and guts tonight! <The words
        "Fight 1" appear on the screen, followed by pictures of Bret
        Hart and Tom Hearnes.> In our first bout, two hitmen try to
        pick each other off as Bret Hart takes on Thomas Hearnes.
        These two are fighting for the title of "The True Hitman of
        Professional Sports."

<The pictures disappear and the words "Fight 2" appear on screen.>

Johnny:  And if that's not enough, <pictures of Roger Ebert and Nick
         Diamond appear on the screen.> it's a hollywood grudge match
         as film critic Roger Ebert takes on Celebrity Deathmatch's ve-
         ry own Nick Diamond.

<Scene changes back to the commentators' table.>

Steve:  If you've followed Celebrity Deathmatch the past couple of
        months, you know where this match came from.  But for those new
        to the show, we'll fill you in, in just a minute.

<Scene changes back over to above the ring and behind the crowd.  The
words "Main Event" appear, followed by pictures of Lucca and Marle.>

Johnny:  And that brings us to the Main Event; another major grudge
         match between girl genius Lucca and her former best friend,
         the newest member of the Sailor Scout Express, Sailor Guardia,
         a.k.a. Marle.

<Scene changes back to the commentators' table.>

Steve:  Now we've seen the animosity that's been building between these
        two for the past several weeks now, but the question is why are
        these two fighting?

Johnny:  Yes, they're supposed to be best friends.  Sailor Moon, you're
         pretty close with Marle, could you possibly shed some light on
         why these two are acting in such fashion?

<Sailor Moon is seen looking outward, a sad look on her face.>

Johnny:  Uh, Sailor Moon?

<Johnny taps the back of his hand several times on her arm.>

Sailor Moon: <as if coming out of a trance> G'huh?

Johnny:  Uh, nevermind.  Meanwhile, let's go now to the locker room,
         where Stacie Cornbred is with Bret Hart.  Stacie?

<Scene changes back to the locker room, where a woman in a red suit and
a ponytail holding a microphone is standing next to a man wearing a
black leather jacket over a pink and black wrestling singlet.>

Stacie:  Thanks, Johnny.  I'm here in the locker room with wrestling
         legeng Bret "The Hitman" Hart.  <to Bret> So Bret, what are
         your thoughts on what could be your last match of your life?

Bret:  Well you know what, Stacie, everybody's been ragging me for the
       past week about me getting in the ring with Thomas Hearnes, ano-
       ther classic boxer-wrestler fight, you know what they say about
       that, right?

Stacie: <little dumbfounded> Well...

Bret:  Boxers kick wrestlers asses all the time.  That's what they say.
       But you know what, I'm here sending a message to all those that
       have or do doubt me in any way, shape or form.  I'm ready for
       this fight.  I will prove I am the REAL Hitman, and that I am
       the excellence of execution, the best ther is, the best there
       was, and the best there ever, EVER will be.  Anything else you
       wanna ask me?!

Stacie: <startled> Um, no, that'll be fine.

Bret:  Now you'll have to excuse me, I have a match to attend.  <Bret
       walks off-camera.  Camera zooms in on Stacie.>

Stacie:  Well, some strong words by the excellence of execution.  Let's
         see if he can back those up with actions.  Back to you guys.

<Scene changes back to the commentators' table.>

Steve:  Classic Bret Hart mindset, people.

Sailor Moon:  He's ready, alright.  By the way, Steve, you've been in
              the ring with the Hitman before, what can we expect from
              him tonight?

Steve:  Which one?

Sailor Moon:  Bret.

Steve:  Oh, yeah.  <laughs.>  Hell, I'd LIKE to get in the ring with
        Tommyboy, over there; I can honestly say that I've always want-
        ed to fight SOME big name in boxing.

Johnny:  Sorry to disappoint you, Steve, but you'll have to wait your
         turn.  Let's go to the ring, where the match is set to begin.

<The scene changes to the ring where Bret is stands in one corner and
Tom standing in the other corner.>

[Note:  During all the matches, the attention is focused on the match
itself.  The commentators' voices are from off-camera, unless otherwise
stated.]

Johnny's voice: (echoing) In the red corner, the excellence of execut-
                ion!  The best there is, the best there is, and the
                best there ever will be, BRET "THE HITMAN" HART!!!
                <The crowd cheers as Bret takes off his sunglasses,
                puts them in their case, and puts the case in his jack-
                et pocket.>

Sailor Moon:  Man, look at those eyes!  He's definitely ready for this
              fight.

Steve:  I've seen that look before firsthand, and lemme tell ya, he's
        gonna kick his ass up and down this arena.

<Cut over to Tom Hearnes in the blue corner.>

Johnny's voice: (echoing) His opponent, in the blue corner, from the
                high-profiled world of professional boxing, THOMAS "THE
                HITMAN" HEARNES!!!"  <The crowd cheers more as Hearnes
                throws some punches and then raises his arms.>

<Scene changes over to referee Mills Lane waving in the hitmen.>

Mills:  Well gentlemen, you know the routine; I expect a tough, clean
        fight, and obey my commands at all times.  One more note: <To
        Bret> This is a fight to the death.  Submissions do not count
        in this ring.

Bret:  Hmph!  I doubt I'll need the sharpshooter anyway.

Mills:  Okay, lets get it on!

<Bret and Thomas start circling each other.>

Johnny:  And here we go, with our opening bout.  <Bret punches Tom, but
         one of Tom's punches sends Bret clear into the corner.>  Bret
         opens up with a nice right cr-

Sailor Moon:  WHOA!  <Cut back to the announce position.>  One punch
              and Hart was sent clear across the ring!

Steve:  See why Hearns calls himself the Hitman?

Sailor Moon:  Uh-huh.

<Back to the ring, where Bret is in the corner.>

Steve:  Let's see how he takes advantage of this.

<Hearnes charges the corner at Hart, intending to right cross him, but
he ducks out of the way and punches the turnbuckle.>

Johnny:  Oooo!  Nice evasive manuvers by Bret Hart!

<Bret elbows Hearns in the mouth.>

Johnny:  And answers with an elbow right to the jaw!  Hart's in control
         of the match now!  <Bret picks Tom up, facing up.>  Hart sets
         him up, and-

<Bret drops him over his knee.>

Sailor Moon:  Wow, a back breaker!  <Cut back to the announce table.>
              Isn't that one of the preludes to the Sharpshooter?

Johnny:  It sure is, but you heard what referee Mills Lane said:  sub-
         missions do not count in this match.  <Back to the ring, where
         Bret is punching Hearns repeatedly.>  Unless, of course, he
         plans to break it off and beat him to death with it.

<Then, Hearns uppercuts Bret Hart clear out of the ring, and into the
crowd, behind the anounce position.>

Steve:  He must've heard ya, Johnny, because that last hit was pretty
        lethal!

Johnny:  Tom "Hitman" Hearns celebrates in the ring, while Bret "Hit-
         man" Hart struggles to retaliate.

<Scene changes over to Bret, on the ground in the crowd, looking around
for something.>

Johnny:  What's he looking for?

<He goes over to the announce position, and reaches under it, right by
Sailor Moon.>

Steve:  What're you-

<Here, Sailor Moon panics.  She starts swinging her scepter wildly.>

Sailor Moon: <smacking Bret with the Moon Scepter> GET YOU HANDS AWAY
             FROM ME YOU SICK LITTLE PERVERT!!!

<He quickly gets his hand out from under the table, but he's holding a
Halibertan briefcase.  Sailor Moon lays her head back, closes her eyes
and sighs.  Steve and Johnny are turned around in their seats, looking
at Bret.>

Steve:  Whaddya suppose is in that briefcase Bret's got?

Johnny:  I dunno, and it doesn't seem like the other hitman even knows
         about it!

<Tom is still playing to the crowd, while Bret is seen hastily assembl-
ing the parts to a sniper rifle.  After putting on the scope, he closes
the case and walks up behind Sailor Moon.>

Johnny:  My God, is that a sniper rifle?!

<Bret lays the barrel of the gun right next to one of Sailor Moon's
hairballs.  She's startled by this.>

Bret:  Ever wonder why they call me the Hitman?

Sailor Moon: <raising a hand in protest> Um, Bret what're you-

Bret:  Don't move.

Johnny:  Bret taking careful aim with the sniper rifle...

<Cut back to the ring, where Tom turns around and looks right at Bret.>

Tom:  What the-

<The look on Tom's face remains as a big red hole appears in the middle
of his forehead.  Then, he falls over.>

Johnny:  Ooooo!  Bullseye!  <Bret jumps the security rail and reenters
         the ring.>  And Bret Hart is the winner!

<Scene changes back to the anounce position.>

Johnny:  So, Sailor Moon, what did you think of that first fight to the
         death?

Sailor Moon:  Very intense.  A little unorthodox win there for Bret
              Hart, but as we know, a win is a win according to Bret
              "The Hitman" Hart.

Johnny:  And we've got more intensity on the way.  But before we get to
         that, let's take a look back at you're astonishing career here
         on Celebrity Deathmatch.  We have the tape of your legendary
         match against Marylin Manson.

<Footage of the Sailor Moon/Marylin Manson match is played.>

Johnny:  You seemed to be a little more intense than usual coming into
         this match.  What were you thinking when you went up against
         The Most Evil Man in America?

Sailor Moon:  Well Johnny, I knew that he would be tougher than anyone
              I would be fighting, so I just decided I wasn't going to
              hold anything back.  I also wanted to prove to the team
              that I can take him single handedly.

<In the next clip, Manson attempts the Tahitian Skeleton Pull.>

Steve:  It seemed like you were in trouble when Manson tried his signa-
        ture move, the Tahitian Skeleton Pull.  What were you thinking?

Sailor Moon:  Well, Charles Manson had the right idea:  he bit down on
              his hand to try to stop him.  I guess when you're locked
              away in solitary for 30 years, you don't get too much to
              eat.  He just gave up on it.  Of course, a kick to the
              balls deserves it share of praise.

<Sailor Moon is then seen rinsing her mouth with Listerine.>

Steve:  Hell it sure looked like he left a nasty taste in your mouth.

Sailor Moon:  Nasty?  Hoooh, don't get me started on that!  Then as you
              all know, it was basicly elementary from there.

<Scene changes back to the anounce position.>

Johnny:  An intriguing look into the career of one Sailor Moon.  We
         hope to see more of you in the future.

Sailor Moon:  Thanks Johnny.

Steve:  Coming up after the break, Nick Diamond, Roger Ebert and their
        respective mystery tag team partners go head to head, when
        Celebrity Deathmatch continues!

<Commercial routine.  Scene then changes back to the anounce position.>

Johnny:  Welcome back.  In just a few moments, Nick Diamond and Roger
         Ebert will square off in a mystery tag-team partner match.

Steve:  For those of you unfamiliar why this match could've come about,
        take a look at this here clip.

<Footage of the Gene Siskel/Roger Ebert Indian Strap Match is shown.
In the clip, Siskel is spinning around, arm extended up, Ebert tied to
the other end.>

Ebert:  So you're saying you wanna give it the thumbs down?!

Siskel:  Hell YEAH!

Eber:  Whoooooaaaaaaa!!!

<Siskel gives a thumb down motion, causing Ebert's thumb to snap off
his hand and send him flying into the base of the anounce tower.  One
side collapses slightly, causing Nick Diamond Sr. to fall off.>

Nick:  AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Johnny:  Whoa-ho-ho-hoa!  The balcony is definitely closed!  And we're
         gonna need some structural repair here.

Nicky Jr.: <tugging Johnny's coat> Mister Johnny, Mister Johnny!  Daddy
           fell down!

<Cut to down on the floor, where Nick is laying unconscious in a pile
of rubble.>

Johnny:  NIIIIIIIICK!!!!!

<Scene changes back to the anounce position.>

Johnny:  Nick remained hospitalized in a coma for several weeks.  But
         he would eventually make a triumphant return to Celebrity
         Deathmatch.

<Footage of the Christopher Walken/Gary Oldman match is shown.  In the
clip, Walken is trying to mold Gary's head back together, while help
makes its way to the arena.>

Oldman:  P...please.  Take...care of...me boy....

Mills:  This man needs medical attention!

Walken:  Oh, come on man!  Try and hold it together!  I...I think I can
         hear a siren...hold on, Gary.  Help is on the way.

<The sound of a siren becomes louder and louder.>

Mills:  What the-!

<Suddenly, an ambulance plows through a wall of the Deathmatch Arena,
and stops at the ring.>

Johnny:  What the hell?!  <The ambulance door busts open.>  Can it be?!

<Nick Diamond, wearing a hospital gown and head all taped up, walks out
and grabs a microphone.

Nick:  Hello people, I'm Nick Diamond, and I am BACK!  <The crowd goes
       nuts.>

<Scene changes back to the anounce position.>

Steve:  Ever since his return, the one thing hanging in the back of his
        mind was getting revenge on one fatass named Roger Ebert.  To-
        night, he gets his chance.

Johnny:  Right you are Steve.  Now-

Stacy's voice:  Um, Johnny?

Johnny:  Yes, Stacy?

<Cut back to the locker room, where Stacy Cornbred is standing with
Roger Ebert.>

Stacy:  I've just recieved word of who one of the mystery tag team
        partners is.

Roger:  Right you are, Stacy.  My mystery partner is none other than my
        co-host, Gene Siskel!

<Gene Siskel steps into the camera.>

Gene:  Yes sir, we've been able to put our differences aside just this
       once to take that pudgy little fool OUT!

Roger:  Whaddya think Nick's performance will be?

Gene:  Well, it certalinly won't get MY approval.

Roger:  Mine either.  <They both give the thumbs down.>

Stacy:  Well, there you have it.  Back to you guys.

<Cut back to the anounce position.>

Johnny:  Thanks Stacy.  One half of the mystery is solved, but I'm get-
         ting a report that Nick Diamond's myster partner is nowhere in
         the arena! <The crowd moans.>  Now, let's go up to the ring
         where this fight is ready to go.

<Cut back to the ring.>

Johnny's voice: (echoing) In the red corner, two of the world's most
                well-known film critics!  Please welcome GENE SISKEL
                AND ROGER EBERT!!!  <They both give thumbs up, and then
                thumbs down as the crowd cheers.>

Steve:  Even if their is only one opponent, these two can't underesti-
        mate them for one moment.

Johnny's voice: (echoing) In the blue corner, a commentator right here
                on Celebrity Deathmatch!  He's a local boy, so please
                give it up for NICK DIAMOND!!!  <The crowd cheers wild-
                ly.  Cut over to Mills Lane.>

Mills:  Step in, gentlemen, step in.  <Siskel, Ebert and Nick walk into
        view.>  I want a good, clean fight from both corners. <Turning
        to Nick> Mr. Diamond, are you sure you even have a tag team
        partner?

Nick:  Don't worry, Mr. Official; he'll be here.

Mills:  Alright then.  Let's get it on!

<The bell sounds as Siskel and Ebert start sizing up Nick.

Siskel:  This thumb has never let me down, friend.

Ebert:  Mine either.  Although, Nick, up in the air is a little differ-
        ent from where I plan to stick it.  <The crowd oooos.>  Prepare
        for the sequel to end all sequels!  <Ebert starts punching Nick
        repeatedly.>

Johnny:  Ebert starting trouble early, <Ebert blocks his next punch
         and kicks him right in the chin.> but Diamond counters with a
         side kick!

<Ebert falls down hard.  Siskel tackles him right after that.>

Steve:  But here comes Siskel!  <Siskel and Ebert start pummeling Nick
        senseless.>  And man, they're really doin' a number on him!

Sailor Moon:  His partner better get here quick, I don't think Nicky
              can stand much more of this!

Johnny:  Just hold on a minute now.  I'm just waiting for the right mo-
         ment.

Sailor Moon:  Sure, but...huh?  <Sailor Moon looks over at Johnny to
              find no Johnny; just a discarded headset.>

<Ebert bounds off the ropes near the anounce position, only Johnny
pulls on them, causing Ebert to fall out of the ring.>

Steve:  What the hell?

Siskel:  just what the hell is this all aobut?!

<Johnny then hits Siskel across the head with a shovel.  He falls down
hard.  The crowd goes nuts as Nick grabs a microphone.>

Nick:  For those of you just coming back from the snack lines, my mys-
       tery partner is Johnny Gomez!!!  <The crowd is ecstatic.>

Steve:  What an earth-shattering turn of events!  <Nick and Johnny rush
        at Siskel and Ebert and start pummeling them.>  And here we go!

Sailor Moon:  The critics better shape up or this is gonna be a real
              short fight!  <Siskel pummels Johnny into a corner.>
              Gomez cornered now.  <He then flings him into the corner
              on the opposite side of the ring.>  Irish whip into the
              far side, and <Siskel charges in after him, but Johnny
              dodges out of the way.> yeow!

Steve:  Good evasive move by Johnny Gomez!

<Johnny grabs a shovel from ringside.>

Sailor Moon:  What's he gonna do now?  <Johnny burys the shovel right
              in the middle of his head.  His eyes roll back into his
              head.>  AAAH!  HA HA HA HAAA!

Steve:  Gomez buried that shovel right in his head, and Siskel is out!

Sailor Moon:  Let's check out how Nick's doing.  <Nick pummels Ebert
              until he's in the center of the ring.>

Steve:  It looks like he's fairing his own.

<Nick and Johnny are standing on either side of Roger Ebert.>

Johnny:  Ready Nick?

Nick:  Ready!

Sailor Moon:  Are we gonna see it?  <Nick crescent kicks Ebert right in
              the face, while Johnny does a sweep kick right in the
              back of his knees.  Both the legs and head fly off and
              into the crowd.>  YES!  TOTAL ELIMINATION!!!

Steve:  And that seals the deal for Team Celebrity Deathmatch!  Nick
        and Johnny are your winners!  <The crowd goes nuts.  Cut back
        to the anounce position.>  Needless to say, our main event is
        going to be a tough act to follow!  We'll have that match right
        after this!

<Commercial routine.  Scene changes to the anounce position.  Only Sai-
lor Moon and Steve are in focus.>

Steve:  Welcome back to Celebrity Deathmatch, and if you've just tuned
        in and wondering where Nick and Johnny are, well then let us
        fill yas in.

Sailor Moon:  Nick and Johnny were victorious in a tag team match a-
              gainst film critics Siskel and Ebert.  Just after the
              break, they went back to the locker room for a little
              victory celebration.  How's it going back there, Stacie?

<Scene changes back to the locker room.  Nick and Johnny are being sho-
wered in champagne as Arnold Schwarzenegger leads the party of dozens.>

Stacie:  Well Sailor Moon, what else is there to say then it's happy
         hour here in the Deathmatch Arena!

<Arnold grabs the mic from Stacie.>

Arnold:  Excuse me.

Stacie:  Um, sure.

Arnold:  Ladies und jentlemen, I vould like to propose a toast, to Nick
         und Johnny, <raising a wine glass.> ze two most ass-kickingist
         commentators to evea grace a vrestling ring!  <The crowd back
         there is in an uproar.  Several more pour bottles of champagne
         all over Nick and Johnny.  He walks over to Stacie and hands
         her a wine glass.>  Here, drink up.

Stacie:  Why thank you Arnold.  Back to you guys!

<Cut back to the anounce position.>

Steve:  Well, as you can see Nick and Johnny are a little busy back in
        the locker room area, but they wouldn't let us do this alone.
        So joining us now is a legend in the sport, he's been a mana-
        ger, a wrestler, and a commentator as well, here is Bobby "The
        Brain" Heenan.  <The crowd cheers as the camera zooms out so
        that the whole position is in view.>

Bobby:  Thanks, Steve.  You know, I was watching the other matches in
        the back, and I must say, this match has a lot to live up to.
        I mean, death, action, surprises, what else can we see?

Sailor Moon:  We'll see, Bob, we'll see.

Steve:  From what I understand about this match, Lucca was very jealous
        of Marle when she and her best friend Crono signed onto the
        Sailor Scout Express.  Only Crono and you, Sailor Moon are in
        the building, right? <She nods.>  Well then, we'll have to see
        how Marle will react to Lucca's new attitude.  Now let's go to
        the ring <cut to the ring.> where this bloodbath is ready to
        go.  Take it away Bobby.

Bobby's voice: (echoing) In the blue corner, one of the world's most
               intelligent living creatures!  Don't let her purple hair
               fool ya, this is one tough customer!  Please welcome
               LUCCA DeMERE!!!  <The crowd cheers as Lucca fires her
               gun into the air.>

Lucca! <raising a clenched fist> YEAAAAH!!!

<Scene changes over to the entrance to the arena, where Marle walks out
wearing her regular white halter top, white swooshy pants, sandals, and
her gold belt.  She enters the ring to the cheers of the crowd, only
she has a somewhat depressed look on her face.>

Bobby's voice: (echoing) And in the red corner, the princess of pain,
               punishment, chaos, and the kingdom of Guardia, the lady
               in white, PRINCESS MARLE!!!  <Marle waves to a cheering
               crowd.>

<Scene changes over to Mills Lane, waving the ladies in.>

Mills:  Alright ladies, you know the rules.  I expect a tough, clean
        fight, and obey my commands at all times.  <To Marle>  I'm gon-
        na have to ask you to lose the crossbow, young lady.  <Marle
        silently takes off her corssbow and quiver of arrows, and toss-
        es them out of the ring.>  Any questions?

Lucca:  Just one statement.  Marle, you will feel ten times the pain I
        felt when you betrayed me!

Marle:  BETRAYED you?

Mills:  Alright then, let's get it on! <The bell rings.>

Marle:  How did I betray you?

Lucca:  When you started hanging out with that BIMBO Sailor Moon!  <At
        that, she goes into her attack, punctuating each of her senten-
        ces with a punch.>  You never returned my CALLS!  My PAGES, my
        FAXES, you even deleted my <she kicks her right in the face.>
        E-MAILS!

Bobby:  Is it just me, or is Marle not putting up any defense?

Sailor Moon:  It's clear to see that Marle still has love her, no mat-
              ter what she thinks is going on!

Lucca:  And what is this Sailor <another punch to the face.> GUARDIA
        bulls-?!  <Here, Marle uses a Greco-Roman style wrestling take-
        down on her.>  Ahhhh!

Bobby:  Well, it's about time!  <Marle applies a half-nelson to Lucca.>

Steve:  Nice takedown by the Royal Sailor Scout into a half-nelson!

Bobby:  So elementary, so basic, yet so effective!  <Marle starts to
        turn Lucca on her back.>  Those hafta be the baggiest pair of
        swooshies on this planet.

Steve:  Whaddya mean?

Bobby:  I've seen her wearing that sailor fuku, Steve.  She's got legs
        so thin, you wouldn't believe.  <Mills starts to count out Luc-
        ca.>  Wait a minute, we could have a winner here!

Mills:  That's one...two...three...four...five...<He checks to see if
        her shoulders are flat.> Still nothing, still nothing!

Marle:  C'mon, Lucca, this has gone far enough.  Can't we just talk
        this out?  Like civilized people?!

Lucca:  Never!  <Lucca reaches for her gun.>  There's only one way!

<Lucca clubs Marle with the butt of her gun.>

Steve:  Nice recovery there by Lucca.  Let's see how she capitalizes.

<Lucca swings the butt of her gun several times, but Marle ducks each
swing.>

Bobby:  Strike one, strike two, <The third swings connects, knocking
        Marle senseless.>  that's homerun #71!

<Lucca lifts her over her head.>

Steve:  Gorilla press here, where's she gonna drop her?  <Lucca runs
        over to the ropes on the same side where the anounce position
        is.>  Heads up!

<Lucca then throws Marle into the table.>

Bobby:  Bombs away!  <Marle destroys the table completely when she hits
        it.>  Yow!

Steve:  Lucca has just taken out our anounce position! <To Sailor Moon>
        You alright?

Sailor Moon:  Yeah, I'm ok.  <Marle struggles to get up from the pile
              of rubbage.>

Bobby:  You know, no matter how many times I experience this, I ALWAYS
        end up shocked.

<Lucca spits in Sailor Moon's face, and grabs Marle by her ponytail.>

Bobby:  Whoa....

Steve:  That wasn't necessary.  <Lucca then picks her up and charges at
        the ring post, with Marle's back in front.>  Look out!

<But Lucca slips, and Marle's head ends up hitting the ringpost.>

Bobby:  Lucca must've...slipped on something out here on the floor or
        whatever, and it looked like she hit Marle's head on that steel
        post!  <Lucca grabs her by the ponytail and drags her down the
        aisle.>  I'm a little worried, Marle's not moving Steve!

Sailor Moon:  Marle!

Steve:  Go over there and tell her that, Bobby.  Lucca's looking to se-
        riously hurt Marle, and that's the bottom line.  <Lucca then
        proceedes to put two tables together to form a square.>  What
        can she possibly do now?  <Then, she stacks two more on top of
        the others.  Then two more, placing Marle on the top of the
        stack.  She's still out.>  This isn't fairing too well for Mar-
        le.

<Lucca then climbs the very top of the tower where Nick and Johnny used
to sit.>

Sailor Moon:  Lucca, no!  <The crowd starts cheering.>

Bobby:  Isn't that your old anounce position?

Steve:  You're damn right, and Lucca's about to put the drop on Marle!

Steve, Bobby, and Sailor Moon:  Aaaaaaaaahhhh!!!!!!

<Lucca jumps off the tower onto Marle, but Marle rolls out of the way
at the last minute.  Lucca plows straight down through the tables.>

Bobby:  OHH!  That's SIX tables she just went through!  And for naught!

<Marle gets to her feet, and looks around for Lucca.  She sees her, out
laying in a pile of broken tables.>

Bobby:  And Lucca is hurt....

Marle:  C'mon, Lucca, this has gone too far!  Get up, we need to talk!
        <She sees that Lucca isn't responding.>  Lucca?  Lucca wake up!

<Marle kneels beside Lucca as Mills Lane rushes down from ringside.  He
assesses the damage to Lucca.>

Steve:  You really need someone to tell you that, Mills?

Marle: <as tears start to form> Lucca, come on!

Mills: <raising Marle's arm>  Marle is the winner!  <The bell rings as
       the crowd cheers.  Marle looks up at Mills.>

Marle: <snatching her arm out of his hand>  Get help.

<For a moment, Mills just looks at this while scratching his head.>

Marle:  GET HELP!!!

Mills:  I need an ambulance out here!

Sailor Moon:  Oh my god....  <Cut back to what's left of the anounce
              position.>  I'm sorry, but I gotta go over there.  <Sai-
              lor Moon takes off her headset and walks off-camera.>

<Cut back to the scene of the accident, where Lucca is being loaded on-
to an ambulance.  Marle is clinging to her husband, Crono, crying loud-
ly into his shoulder.>

Crono:  Don't worry, Marle.  She's gonna be okay.

<Sailor Moon walks over to Marle and Crono, and hugs Marle.>

Sailor Moon:  You alright?

<Marle lets go of the two, and goes over to the paramedic.>

Marle:  How is she?

Paramedic 1:  She's just now responding.

Lucca:  M...mar...le....

Marle:  Please, let me go with her!

Paramedic 2: <wheeling the gurney into the ambulance> Hop in then,
             young lady.

<Marle gets in the ambulance as it drives off, while Crono puts an arm
around Sailor Moon.>

Crono:  She's gonna be alright.

<Scene changes back to ringside, where Steve and Bobby are standing
holding mics.>

Bobby:  It's always depressing when a tragedy like this occurs, no mat-
        ter who the victim is.  Anyone with any kind of conscious would
        be hurt.  I'm not saying to the extent of Marle, or maybe Cro-
        no, but you get the idea.

Steve:  You're damn right.  As of now, we're out of time, and we'll
        keep you, the Deathmatch fans, informed on the condition of Ms.
        Lucca Demere.  I'm Stone Cold Steve Austin,

Bobby:  And I'm Bobby "The Brain" Heenan.

Steve:  We'll see ya next week.  Good fight, goodnight.

=====THE END=====