[Preliminary Note: If you haven't already, you should read my short fic "Survivor Guilt" before proceeding. It's not required reading by any stretch, but there is one scene in here that will make far more sense if you read that other fic first. You'll know it when you see it.] "Mercury Switch" by Devin de Gruyl (The running-out-of-cute-things-to-say-here Kid) Part 10 --- "I still can't believe you actually *own* one of these," I said casually, fingering the collar of the uniform I was wearing. I was trying to keep the conversation between us light. Lita and myself were walking to Ami's apartment building, and we were both scared to death. We were scared of what we would find when we got there. We were scared to even *think* about what we'd find, lest that somehow make it come true. And most of all, we were scared to let each other know how scared we were. Fortunately, Lita brightly picked up on my topic. "Yeah - there's a story behind that, of course. When I first came to this school, they didn't have a uniform in my size - still don't, in fact, that's why I still wear the one from my old school. Anyway, the principal had given me the option of wearing the *boys'* uniform until they could get something big enough to fit me... I tried it, didn't like it, and told him where he could shove the thing." She laughed. "Oh, you should've seen his face! It was a *classic*... Still, when all was said and done, I decided to hang onto the uniform after all - never know what might come in handy someday, hmm?" "Like right now," I said, as I adjusted the collar again. "Who designed this thing, anyway? Some sort of sadist? I can hardly breathe..." Lita giggled again. "Oh, it's *you*," she said, playfully punching my arm. "We're just lucky you're pretty close to my size..." "Yeah - I still don't understand why I just couldn't go as myself, though. What's the deal with this... um... what's my name again?" "Hiroshi - Hiroshi Sarito. And I already told you, it'd look too weird if a boy showed up on Ami's doorstep for any reason other than school-related stuff. Her mom'd get suspicious almost immediately, and we can't have that!" "Hiroshi Sarito." I repeated the name softly a few times, to myself. It was tricky to get the "R"'s pronounced correctly, but I think I eventually got it right. We turned the corner, and entered the high-rent area of town. I recognized the street from yesterday morning... this was the final approach to Ami's home. I gulped when I recognized it. It wouldn't be long now... "Um... Lita?" I asked, tenatively. "You suppose... I mean, she's all right... isn't she?" "She is," Lita replied simply. "She's all right." I noticed her eyes sort of glisten at the corners, though I'm sure she would've denied it. "She's gotta be - there's just no other way." Lita's bravery inspired me, too. "Yeah," I said, suddenly shoving the dark images I could see before me into the background. "Yeah - she'll be OK." That was how we walked the last quarter-mile... hoping for the best, even *expecting* the best... but silently, just below the surface, fearing the worst. Thank the good Lord, there were no ambulances or emergency vehicles parked in fromt of the building when we arrived. On the outside at least, everything looked absolutely normal. my rational mind said, I cut that thought off before it had a chance to finish. As soon as we came to the entrance, we stopped. Lita turned to face me. "Good luck," she said, indicating the doors. I gave her a puzzled expression. "Aren't you coming with me?" She shook her head. "This is betwen you and Ami - I'd only be in the way." "What? But I *need* you --" "No, you don't," she replied. "The two of you... you're a part of each other now, whether you want to be or not. She's got a part of you she'll carry with her for the rest of her life, and you, a part of her. You probably understand each other in a way no two people on the planet have *ever* been able to understand one another. You don't need me to coach you through it... if you look within yourself, you'll find the right words to say to her." I wasn't buying any of this for a second. One of Ami's memories was enough to convince me that Lita herself wasn't buying it, either. "Um... yeah, OK, Lita. I'll go in alone... but just one thing, if you don't mind my saying so?" She looked at me. "What is it?" I looked her directly in the eye, and formed my words slowly and deliberately. "'Your eyes are turning brown.' That ring any bells?" Lita gasped audibly at that line. She knew, immediately, what it meant. "I thought so," I said, with (I hoped) a kind tone underlying the seriousness of what I was about to say. "You got Ami to admit to being scared once, and to face her fear... why can't you do the same now?" Lita stammered. "That... that was entirely different!" "Was it? Ami was scared of what would happen that night... you're scared of what you'll find in that apartment if you go up there!" Hanging my head in shame as I write this, I do have to admit that it was not without a small degree of satisfaction that I saw Lita so thoroughly discombobulated by what I was saying. I derived no enjoyment from this at all, it was a serious and unpleasant situation for both of us. But still, there *is* something to be said for knowing when you were holding all the cards. Seeing Lita's confusion rapidly melting away into anger - and not wanting her to be mad, not at all - I changed tactics. "Listen, just... please, listen to me, for one second, that's all I ask," I said, softly. "I've heard enough," Lita said stiffly, turning to go. "I don't think we have anything more to discuss... *Mr.* McCormick!" She turned on her heel and stormed off. "Wait!" Without thinking of the consequences, I ran off after her. I caught up with her after about a block or so. As soon as she was within arm's length of me, I grabbed her elbow. "Would you just --" Her reaction was predictible - she tried to take a swing at me. Luckily, I ducked in time. "You get your damn hands OFF me --!!" "One minute," I almost begged. "All I'm asking is one minute... *please.*" "Believe me," Lita said with a voice that would have flash-frozen the Equator, "there is *nothing* you can say that I could *possibly* want to hear..." "It's about Ami," I insisted. "Do it for *her*, if nothing else..." Lita thought a moment, then relented. "All right... for her," she sighed, defeated. "One minute. That's *all*." I took a deep breath. This was it - my Ace in the hole. If this didn't get Lita back on my side, nothing would. "You're right - I'll be carrying a piece of Ami with me all the way to my grave. And the piece I have... there's something about you in there." "About me?" I nodded. "She loves you, Lita." Lita's expression flashed from angry to bewildered in record time. It reminded me of my own astonishment when I discovered this in Ami's mind, just after I'd gone through the transformation into Sailor Mercury. "She... she *loves* me?" she repeated, incredulously. "Are... are you saying... that Ami is..." "NO!!" I said quickly. "It's NOTHING like that, believe me! The love she has for you... it's like you're the big sister she always wanted, but never had." "Go on." Lita's voice was neutral. "She loves all her friends... all of you... you all mean the world to her. But you... you're a special case. Out of all of them, you're the one she looks up to the most... you're everything she's ever wanted to be herself, but she's just never had the strength of will or body to go out and become it. In a way, you're her hero. And she would gladly give up everything she has - the IQ, the perfect grades, the future in medicine, *everything* - if it meant she could be just a little bit more like you." Lita said nothing for several moments. Only her eyes gave any signal of her conflicting emotions as I went through my speech. Finally, just as I was wondering if what I'd said had actually made a difference... I heard what had to be the most pleasant sound I ever heard in my life. Lita was laughing, softly, to herself. After what had just gone down between us, it was like hearing a songbird after the storm. "She... wants to be... like me?" Lita giggled again - it *was* almost musical, at that. "What's so funny?" I asked, feeling the corners of my own mouth turn upward - Lita's laugh was quite infectuous. "I'm serious..." "N-no, it's not that," Lita said, getting herself under control again. "I'm sure she means it. But... well... the thing of it is... *I've* always wanted to be more like *her*." Now it was my turn to be caught off guard. "You have? Why?" "Well... she's GOT that IQ... she's GOT those perfect grades... and she's *got* a gauranteed, solid future in this world. Me? I live it one day to the next, never knowing what's gonna come tomorrow. Also - and I'm sure she doesn't even know this - but, she's got just about every guy in our school falling over themselves trying to ask her out on a date - all she has to do is listen, and she'd realize it!" A shadow seemed to pass over her features suddenly, and her voice took on a husky tone. "And... and, at least she's got somebody to come home to. All I have left of my parents is a picture..." "Hey." I surpised myself by suddenly taking her hands in mine, and then again by pulling her into a quick hug. She was startled at first, but she returned the hug. "Listen," I said haltingly, after we'd broken the embrace. "I was out of line saying all those things... it was a private conversation between you and Ami, and I had no right to quote it. I hope you can forgive me." "No, it's all right," she assured me. "If anything, *I* should be apologizing to *you* - you had it right, I was too scared to go up there... but I'm OK now." "You sure?" She smiled. God, she had a pretty smile. "Positive." I held out one hand to her, and with the other, gestured towards the apartment building. "Shall we, then?" "We shall," she replied, taking my hand. And that's how we returned to the building, and entered the large double-doors... together, hand in hand. --- I knocked on the door of Ami's apartment, and tried to mentally prepare myself for the inevitably awkward re-introduction that was about to take place... As I suspected, Ami's mother responded to the knocking. Once again, as I had yesterday morning, I found myself amazed at how remarkably like an older version of Ami she looked. "Can I help you?" she asked, carefully. Lita stepped forward. "Um... hello, Mrs. Anderson..." "Ah... Lisa, is it?" "Um, 'Lita,' ma'am," she replied, with a smile. "Yes, that's right - 'Lita.' ...Who's your friend, here?" She indicated me. I cleared my throat. "My name's Dar --" I stopped myself just in time. "...er, Hiroshi." I offered her my hand. "Pleased to meet you," she said, shaking my hand. "...If you've come by to see Ami, Lita, I'm afraid she's not feeling too well right now..." "We know," Lita said. "That's why we came by, we thought we might be able to cheer her up a little." I nodded, doing my best to remember the story Lita had given me to tell. "She's my lab partner in chemistry, and I got worried when I didn't see her in class today. I also wanted to give her the notes she missed today, so she doesn't have to worry about that..." "Hmm." Mrs. Anderson considered. "...All right, you can come in. But I don't think," she added somberly, "she'll want to see you. She hasn't been acting at all herself lately..." I shared a nervous, knowing look with Lita. "I've... ah, noticed." Lita motioned for me to follow her. "Her room's down this way - come on, Hiroshi." I turned to follow her, but stopped. I could feel Mrs. Anderson's gaze fall squarely on my back. It felt just like laserbeams shooting through me. Feeling a bit nervous, I turned back to face her. "Is something wrong, ma'am?" Mrs. Anderson gave me a look that, although I couldn't place it, I knew instantly what she was thinking of. Mothers always have that sixth sense about them, after all. "Nothing..." she said, tenatively. "Er... have we met before? I get the distinct feeling I... I *know* you, from someplace..." I gulped, very quietly. "Uh... no, ma'am. I don't see how that's possible." I noticed her expression go thoughtful again for a moment, then she sort of shrugged. "Yes... yes, I must be thinking of someone else. I apologize." I bowed, respectfully, to her. "No apologies necessary, ma'am..." Lita tugged on my arm. "Come *on*..." "Oh, yes," I said, snapping out of it. "Nice to meet you, Mrs. Anderson..." "The same." She smiled and went back to whatever it was she was doing before we came in. Funny... for such a short encounter, it probably unnerved me far more than anything else that's happened to me. Mrs. Anderson's motherly instincts had apparently recognized something of her daughter in me. Or, perhaps, she could remember the previous morning, and caught the similarities in my body language to those I, as Ami, gave off yesterday. Either way, it was spooky. It also made me realize just how much I missed my *own* mother, her quite often smothering attitude towards me aside. I haven't said too much about her in this tale, I realize, but the fact was that I really *was* getting homesick by this time. I may have gotten my own life back, but I was still roughly ten thousand miles from home, and I had no idea what I was going to do about that. It had gotten to the point where I actually *missed* her nagging, her treating me like I was perpetually six years old... It was a small apartment (though it was about twice the size of Lita's), so it didn't take long to find Ami's room. When we got there, Lita knocked on the door. "Ami? ...You in there, Ames?" Nothing. "It's me, Lita - I want to talk to you... C'mon, Ames, open the door... please?" Still no response. Lita and I exchanged worried glances. "Ami," she said sternly, "if you don't open this door in about ten seconds, I'm gonna break it right down..." A loud *click* came from behind the door, and I noticed that the doorknob vibrated slightly. The door had been unlocked - and from the inside, too. "Well..." Lita looked at me, intense relief visible in her face. "...that answers *that*." "Sure does," I agreed. At least Ami hadn't gone and done something stupid... Slowly, Lita opened the door. Ami's room was a mess. There were papers scattered all over the floor, her bed was a tangled mass of unmade sheets, and her desk was only barely visible under a mountanious pile of assorted garbage. Off in one corner, I saw the glint of shards of glass; the full-length mirror had been shattered, and a hardbound book lying nearby gave a pretty good indication of how the mirror got that way. And there, staring out the window blankly, was Ami herself. Her back was to us, and I doubted she even knew we were here. Even from this angle, I could tell she was a wreck - her hair was tangled and unkempt, and she was wearing a nightgown that had become plastered to her body by sweat. With great care and caution, Lita approached her friend. "Ami...?" Ami gave a little gasp, and turned around to see Lita standing there. If she saw me, too, she gave no sign. "Lita..." Lita grinned from ear to ear. "Just thought I'd come by and check up on you... you know, you've got everyone worried sick over you, kiddo!" "I know," Ami replied, her voice rather hoarse and unsteady. "I just... I needed some time to myself..." She glanced around the room... until she saw me. Her gaze and mine locked. Inexplicably, I started to sweat bullets. "Is... is that...?" Ami asked Lita, not taking her eyes off me. "Yes, it is," Lita said, softly. Ami shrugged herself away from Lita, and, slowly and deliberately, crossed over to where I remained standing. Never once did her eyes wander from mine, and that just made me even more nervous. As she got closer, I could see the unmistakable signs of grief in her face, the dim lines under her eyes that only tears could leave behind, and I knew that, whavever was going to happen, it wasn't going to be pleasant for either of us. When she got right in front of me, she stopped. She looked me right in the eye. And then... ...she slapped me dead in the face. Luckily, I had braced myself for that - after all, I half-expected it from the second she laid eyes on me. Behind her, I could see Lita's astonished reaction to what Ami had just done. "...I'm sorry..." It was the only thing I could possibly say. "How could you?" Her voice started soft, but eventually increased in volume and ferocity. "How could you do this to me?! How could you make me remember that?!! HOW COULD YOU!!?!" Without warning, she sprang at me, knocking me to the floor. As Lita looked on in shock, Ami began pounding away on my chest with both fists. "HOW COULD YOU DO IT!!!" she screamed. "I HATE YOU, I hate you, I hate you I hate you IhateyouIhateyouIhateyouihateyouihateyouuu..." Gradually, her voice became softer and more choked up, and her blows fewer and farther between, as emotion reasserted its hold over her. Finally, she gave up altogether and collapsed across my chest, sobbing uncontrollably. I did the only thing I could do from my position - I simply laid my arms around her and gently stroked her back, allowing her to let it all out. "Ami..." Lita began - then got cut off when Ami's door suddenly opened again. It was Mrs. Anderson. "What's going on in here? I heard some screaming, and --" She stopped dead in her tracks when she saw me and Ami laying on the floor, our bodies tangled together. You don't need *me* to explain how bad this had to look. "...Oh, my God..." "It's OK!" Lita suddenly rocketed to her feet and practcially teleported over to Ami's mother's side. "She just slipped and fell - Hiroshi just caught her before she could hurt herself, that's all!" The two of them branched off into their own discussion, but I stopped listening. My only concern at the moment was the hysterical girl laying on top of me. Once Ami's loud sobs had been reduced to a steady string of gentle crying, I asked her, softly, "Is it out of your system now?" She looked up at me, sniffled, and nodded yes. Gently, I reached to wipe some of the tears from her eyes. "I can't tell you how sorry I am... I never wanted to hurt you." "Y-you can't... even imagine... wh-what it was like..." Ami whispered, her breath coming in short, unsteady gasps. "I ha-had to watch... one of m-my best f-friends... d-d-die... and I c-couldn't *do* anything about it... anything to s-stop it..." That wasn't quite what I'd expected to hear, though given what she had revealed to me when we were still united, I shouldn't have been too surprised. "You mean to say... that, your *own* death wasn't what got to you..." "N-no," she stammered. "I c-could almost accept it when it ha-happened... that was a release f-from pain... b-but I... I never had anyone I cared about..." I began to understand. Peripherally, I noticed Lita had convinced Ami's mother that I wasn't some kind of crazed sex fiend, and was now coming back towards us. "I see," I muttered thoughtfully. "Watching Lita die is what made you block this off." Ami nodded. "After that, I... I just stopped caring... it was like a p-part of *me* died with her... and I didn't care what happened to me anymore. I... I..." "You what, Ami?" Lita asked. "I... afterwards, I... I volunteered to stay behind and lure the other monsters away from Serena and the others... I s-said it was because I was the weakest member of the team, and the l-logical choice to stay behind... but... the truth..." She shut her eyes tightly to try and stem the flow of tears that was starting up again. "...the truth was, I j-just didn't want to live... anymore..." Lita was shocked. She knelt down and put an arm around Ami's shoulders. "Ami..." she began, and I could see that she was getting choked up as well. "Why... why didn't you say something sooner? You didn't have to keep that bottled up..." "Because I was ashamed," Ami replied. "I couldn't deal with it - I know that suicide is never the answer... but, that-that's just what I wanted anyway. I *wanted* to die..." Lita nodded. "But Ami... you're forgetting one thing... I'm *alive*. *You're* alive. Thanks to Serena, we *all* came back alive from that. It may not be the most pleasant thing to remember, but there's no reason to feel any grief over what happened." "I know..." Ami muttered. "...but still..." I decided to add my own two cents worth. "And in the meantime... you've never let yourself experience those emotions." Both girls looked at me oddly. "What do you mean?" Ami asked. "As humans, we *need* to be able to feel grief and sadness, and we *need* to be able to express those feelings," I continued, remembering something a psychologist had once told me during one of my many headshrinker sessions. "If you don't, those feelings just grow and grow inside you, and they make you sick. By blocking all that stuff from your memory, you never allowed yourself to come to terms with Lita's death, or your own. It's been over a year, now, and you still hadn't. You *needed* that outlet." "Is... is that why you made me remember it...?" I shook my head. "I didn't even know I was doing it. ...I guess, deep down, your mind recognized the need to let it out... maybe my being in there with you just removed the last barrier." Ami turned to Lita, who bent over closer to her face. "He's got a point, Ames... you never have wanted to discuss this - any time we tried to get you to talk about it, you always ducked the question." "I... I..." Ami stammered. She looked down at me. "If you need a shoulder to cry on," I offered, "...I've got two of 'em. Take your pick." Through her tears, through all the emotional pain... Ami somehow managed to smile at me. That one smile... so sweet, so pure, so heartfelt... If that was my only reward for going through this nightmare, it was more than worth it. I hugged her tightly. Ami wrapped her arms around my back, and wept softly on my shoulder. I was surprised to find I was crying myself. "It's all right..." I whispered into Ami's ear. "It's all right... it's all right..." I looked up at Lita. There were even tears in her own eyes. Her lips formed the words "Thank you," but I was never sure which of us she meant. --- End of part 10. Author's Notes: Now that I'm almost finished with this story, I can look back and consider how writing this story has affected me. Eighteen months ago, when I began this story, I had no idea what to expect. I'd never written a fanfic before in my life, and indeed considered myself lousy at fiction writing of any kind. I knew I was a pretty decent writer when it came to nonfiction - at least, I've had enough teachers praise my writing style enough to convince me that was the case. So I sat down one night, when I was very tired and not thinking very clearly at all, and started to type. It was just a stream-of-consciousness thing, and I based it all on a very bizarre dream I had once had about being trapped in Sailor Mercury's body. Although I never intended to release it, I got enough positive feedback from my friends to convince me to release it. Judging from all the positive feedback I've recieved, they judged wisely. Now that I stand at the end of this long and winding road, I think back to how the story had developed. I remember agonizing for months over the personality of my own "alter ego", Darren, and how much of my soul I should bare in his character. I remember the help of all my friends on IRC and other locations, as they helped me flesh out my villian, Maiyra. I remember the night I got the brainstorm to add the 24-hour timer to the transference idea, in an effort to increase the dramatic tension of the story. I remember struggling with portions of this fic that came out purely expository, and therefore unsatisfying, but sometimes you just have to go with it in order to build a better overall picture. Most of all, I remember being so thoroughly surprised and pleased with the way the story has taken on a life of its own. I no longer even remember what my original plan was for "Mercury Switch". I doubt I ever will. All I know for sure is that, had I stuck to my original idea, Darren and Lita would *not* have developed the close relationship they have now - and considering that it is that character dynamic that is most peoples' favorite part of the story, that would indeed have been a major loss. Much of the great (so I'm told) stuff that happens between them was quite literally developed "on the drawing board," so to speak. The tender moment just before heading to the warehouse... Darren setting Lita's broken arm... the wonderful "finishing-each-others'-sentences" scene after everything's been put right... even the opening of this chapter... it was all based on last-minute "wouldn't it be fun if..." suggestions my brain made to me. It was a fun challenge to write all of them and satisfy the fanfic reviewer that exists in my own brain, but I think it's come out rather well. And, judging by the reaction I've gotten, so do many of you. I thank all of you for your support... I would be nothing if it weren't for the fans. You're all the greatest. The final Epilogue will follow... soon. Peace. - Devin de Gruyl 6 July 1999