SailorStars Awakening

Chaos Theory: Act Four

	Senshi no omoi:

		Feelings of a soldier.

				      Begun on 10/17/99, finished on 10/24/99



		        **********************************

				    CHAOS THEORY

			**********************************

		       By Hoshi Seppun-Kara and Sora Kazeno

		     Please E-mail at: Kaelali_su@hotmail.com





	Eventually, life...continued. It never fully returned to the way it

once was, but things, as they inevitably do, readjusted to suit their new

lives as simply being regular teenagers. They would wake up in the mornings,

go to school, hang out at the shopping centers or at the arcade, but...they

began to drift apart.

	Mako-chan has found a new boyfriend, and, much to everyone's surprise,

so has Ami-chan. He is older, about my age, and he attends one of the other

colleges around here. She spends more and more time with him and her 

studies,

and she is becoming involved with many other small things that she simply

never had time for as a senshi, like painting and debate. Who would have

thought that quiet, subdued Ami-chan could yell at another team so well?

	Minako-chan joined the volleyball team and began taking voice lessons,

even though she hasn't yet made any attempts to call up any idol searches.

Rei-chan I still see quite a bit, but she spends a lot of time alone. No one

is quite sure where she goes or what she does, and they don't see her at

school either. Even though they still meet at least three times a week, it 

is

different, not quite as sincere as it was when they were all united by their

duties as soldiers.

	And Usako...well...she's trying. It hurts her to see everyone this

way, so desperately trying to force away the pain by cramming their lives so

full they never have time to think about the past or the future. She makes

such frantic attempts to try and bring them all back together, but...Usako

finds it hard to accept her new life. She wears herself so thin, she's ready

to break at any moment. She has begun to startle us all with her new temper,

one that she never had before. Even small things set her off. She always

cries for hours afterwards, but...

	I never got a chance to propose. I could never find the right time,

or the mood would be wrong...

	I worry for her. I worry for all of them.



*     *     *     *     *



	I'll never forget our first day together.

	Slowly, opening my eyes, I thought I had died, for surely this was an

angel before me. What else could possibly be so beautiful? But as I sat up,

it seemed that the halo around his head was only a reflection of the light

upon my eyes.

	Pushing my hair back, I looked around the nurse's office, and a few

blurred memories returned to the surface.

	Faintly, I recalled running, and finding myself at the library. I

suppose it was the first place that I automatically went to; I go there when

distressed or tense, and I guess you could say its familiarity is a sort of

comfort. I remember crying until the throbbing of my head matched the aching

in my heart, but, after that, it's only blackness.

	The nurse said that this man found me, unconscious, and carried me

here.

	I looked to him and could distractedly hear him say that I had passed

out and that he hadn't known what to do, but my real attention is focused on

him and not his words.

	God, even after knowing that I wasn't dead didn't clear the

comparison to an angel. He warily looked up at me under long lashes, their

golden color only a shade darker than the curls that framed his face.

Dreamily, I saw his hair must be very long, because I can only see it as far

as his shoulders, which lead me back up to his face. High cheekbones and 

full

lips...I realized I was staring, and so did he...but wasn't he staring as

well?

	Blushing, I looked away. Glancing over after a moment, I was

surprised to see his face also averted, a glorious crimson across his fair

cheeks.

	 He was much older than me, perhaps as old as Mamoru-san. *Stop being

ridiculous. Surely you have more sense than this!*

	"Domo arigato gozai mashita," I murmured, avoiding his eyes for fear

I will fall into their trap again. "I must be going now." I attempted to get

to my feet, but I rose too quickly, and my vision blacked out for a moment.

	With speed, he caught me before I fell. Clearing my head, I pushed

him away without looking at him. I hadn't meant to be rough, but I caught a

wounded look in his face and immediately felt a flow of guilt.

	Summoning strength, I told myself that I would not be affected by

him, and, setting my jaw, looked him directly in the eye. I bowed low to the

nurse, and then to him, thanking them again.

	When I looked up, it appeared that my willpower was in fact stronger

than his charms, I was able to keep my composure.

	Until he smiled.

	Often the others have giggled and whispered in hushed tones about

boys and love, and while that may have been something I would look for in 

the

future, I had never actively searched for that feeling you get when your

heart feels light and your body grows warm and rational thought has no

meaning.

	It found me.

	Even after much protesting, he insisted he must accompany me home

since I would not let him drive me.

	After a while of walking in silence, he said, "You know, we've come

all this way and I haven't even introduced myself." He turned to me and

offered his hand. "Watashi wa Tankana Ryuuchi desu."

	Carefully, I took his hand, hoping that was the appropriate thing to

do. *He does speak with an accent, maybe he's American.*  "Douzo yoroshiku."

I bowed as best I could with my hand still in his. "Watashi wa Mizuno Ami

desu."

	He smiled slightly and lifted my fingers to his lips, kissing them

lightly. I looked away, red heat spreading quickly along my face, and I

pulled my hand back. Beginning to walk, more quickly this time, he followed

my lead and was beside me again.

	We had been walking for a while without conversation, when he said,

"You are so young. When I brought you to the nurse, I didn't tell her you 

had

been crying, but I could still see the tear stains on your cheeks. What 

could

have possibly happened to you to make you cry yourself into

unconsciousness?"

	I was a bit taken back by his forwardness. *How easy going he is! He

barely hesitates to ask me such personal things and kiss my hand!* Still, 

the

thought thrilled me. "Just because I am young does not mean I have not seen

hardship." I paused. "I have just met you, Tankana-san. I do not think you

have a right to know anyway."

	"Someday you will tell me," he said quietly.

	I glanced at him strangely. "What makes you think that I will see you

again after this?"

	He looks me in the eye very seriously for a long time without

speaking. Feeling my throat tighten, I looked away.

	"Is it a problem with your family?" he asked

	"I am not talking to you anymore," I replied. I wished nothing more

at this point than to be rid of him. As wonderfully distracting as he was, I

would have rather mourned my loss alone.

	"No?" A sigh. "A death then. Of a friend."

	I didn't respond for a moment. "Why are you following me?"

	"Were they near to you?"

	"I told you that I don't want to talk to you!" I stopped walking and

faced him.

	Carefully, he took one of my fisted hands in his own. "Anyone can see

you are very confused and hurting right now. Talking to someone will help 

you

let out some of that and straighten out your own feelings." He began to drag

me down another street, away from the path to my house. "Come on, we're

taking a detour."

	"But you don't even know where we're going!" I said. He only threw me

a grin and pulled me so I was walking next to him. "Now, tell me. Was it a

death of a friend or family member?"

	I thought about it for a while. "Something like that," I admitted

quietly, giving in. *He's so persistent. I don't think anyone has ever told

him no.*

	He nodded and asked, "Were you close?"

	"She was...very important to me," I responded. "We were so intimate,

we were like the same person. Her death is like half of me has died. I know 

I

have to move on, but...but I don't want to."

	It was then that I noticed he still had a grip on my hand. "You're

never going to see her again. By torturing yourself this way, you're only

making it harder."

	I bit my lip, thinking of the future. "Well, it's not really like

she's dead, it's more like...like she has moved away and there is no way to

reach her. But I think that there is a great chance I will see her again,

someday." *This is like talking in riddles!*

	He frowned. "But still, you can't live your entire life waiting for

the day when she'll come back. You will spend your whole life waiting for

that moment, and forget all the wonderful things that happen around you 

every

day!"

	"But I can't just put out of my mind of everything that we shared

together! Our bond was so deep, I don't want to forget her!" I realized with

a start that he was no longer beside me. Turning to look, I called out,

"Tankana-san?"

	He materialized beside me. "Please, call me Ryuuchi." He raised his

hands so that they were in front of me, and I could see they were cupped

together, holding something in.

	"Give me your hands, " he ordered.

	"Nani?" I asked, surprised.

	"Give me your hands," he repeated. Slowly I raised them and he said,

"Put them together, very carefully, and make sure not to let it escape." I

did as he said and felt a soft tickle across my palms.

	Peeking inside a small crack between my fingers, I gasped. Inside was

a tiny butterfly, its iridescent wings a brilliant shade of sapphire blue.

	I gasped, murmuring, "Kawaii..." forgetting the conversation.

	"It's beautiful, ne?" he said. "But if you keep it inside, no matter

how well you protect it, it will die."

	I turned my face away. "Memories are not the same thing as

butterflies," I told him.

	"No, Ami-san, but it is the same concept." He placed his hands over

mine, gently parting them. "Let it go, Ami-san."

	I wrenched my hands away, cupping them tightly together, as if the

small insect were actually my identity of Sailor Mercury, and by keeping it

close, I could somehow save it. "No! I cannot release it!"

	He smiled wryly and sighed. "You'll crush it if you aren't sensible."

	I stopped and wondered if he was speaking of the butterfly or me, and

realized he meant both. Hesitantly, I peered at the little creature in my

hands. It had stopped moving, probably from fright. Carefully, I removed the

hand covering it, and held up my palm.

	"Go then," I told it. "Go, fly away and don't look back." It crept up

to one of my fingers and I giggled slightly because it tickled.

	I heard him laugh as well, and I gave my hand a small push. "Go!" I

commanded, and it took off. Fluttering uncertainly at first, it flapped its

shining wings until it became only a speck in my sight.

	The exhilaration faded, leaving behind only traces of sadness.

"Farewell, Mercury," I whispered.

	I looked back to him, and the look of understanding on his face

almost brought me to tears. He took my hands, and we continued on our way.

	Since then, there has barely been a day when we are apart. It wasn't

long until we became a couple, and I am content. It was harder at first, but

eventually I let go of Mercury, though I never did tell him about my other

identity. I gave him my transformation wand that first day, as I had no need

for it anymore, and somehow he understood the significance. He understands 

so

much about me, and he has made me a stronger person. For the first time, I

stayed up all night talking to a boy on the phone. He is easy to talk to,

since he is one of the most intelligent people I have ever met. We have

wonderful conversations about current events or medicine or the meaning of

life. Often I tease him that I am jealous, for surely he is the more

beautiful of us, but he always protests. I introduced him to the others, and

they seem to like him, but it's hard to be around them now. We have nothing

to talk about, and it's so awkward.

	But on days when Ryuuchi is out of town or I am alone at night, it's

hard not to miss the old life, the way it used to be. Then I just turn on 

the

radio or pick up the phone to talk to my boyfriend (it still feels so 

strange

to say that!) and I'm alright.

	Still...



			*      *      *     *     *



	I suppose, in many ways, my new freedom could have been considered a

blessing. Of course, I didn't see it that way at first. I had too much time

on my hands and didn't know what to do with it.

	One day, I skipped the after school meeting.

	I wasn't quite sure why we continued to have them, since we never had

anything to talk about, and we'd all just end up wandering off on our own

anyway. I guess they were really the last things keeping us together.

	So that day after class I took a walk around the school grounds

instead. I went all over campus. I never knew it was so big! I eventually

came across a boy still in his school uniform shooting baskets by himself

outside the gym. He recognized me immediately and said I was known for being

skilled in sports, and asked me to play.

	I remember looking away and telling him that I didn't do that anymore,

but he tossed me the ball and insisted I play with him for just a while.

	It was only halfhearted at first, but soon we were competing

seriously. I had forgotten how good it felt to let go of thought and let 

your

hands and eyes guide you, to work up a true sweat and get the blood moving.

	I began to meet with Kosuke-kun almost every day until it grew too

cold outside, but we usually just hung out anyway. After that, I stared

bringing him with to the coffee shop to meet with the others. They loved him

on the spot. They were the ones that thought of playing indoor sports. We 

had

always played basketball on the same court where we met, and both felt kind

of silly for not thinking of it before.

	Sometimes, we invited them to come play with us in the school's gym

after class. When Usagi-chan was feeling up to it, she'd play too. It was so

funny to watch her!

	But even in softball she was clumsy, even after all the "training"

from Seiya-kun...We were careful not to mention him when we teased her

though. She always got depressed if anyone talked about the Starlights. 

She'd

gotten better at it though...

	Anyway, she didn't play often. Most of the time, she'd just sit on

the sidelines and cheer us on, or not come at all. Kosuke-kun commented on 

it

and suggested we try to cheer her up.

	So we started to bake her stuff. Let me tell you right now, Kosuke

-kun, as funny and caring as he is, can't cook for anything. He's almost as

bad as Usagi-chan, but I never told him that. Strangely enough, Usagi-chan

seemed to like his burnt cakes and crumbly cookies a lot. She said she could

taste the thought that went into them. We were glad she liked them, and food

always seemed to cheer her up. It became a regular thing to bring her

something sugary at least once a week.

	Whatever happens, Usagi-chan will always have a sweet tooth!

	I also have my own garden at school. For a present, Kosuke-kun said

he somehow knew someone who knew someone who was friends with the head of 

our

school, and he got me a small place in the greenhouses for my own plants!

Maybe next spring I can make tarts with my own blueberries!

	Even if I can't transform, I still practice martial arts when I am

alone. I joined the karate club at school and attend when I can, and I train

at home in the night. You never know when Sailor Jupiter might be called

for...



			*     *     *     *     *



	I keep it framed on my nightstand. Even though right now might not be

the time, I want to be always able to remember that if I do get up enough

enthusiasm, I can become an idol whenever I want.

	But now I am preparing for other dreams. About a week after realizing

that sitting around worrying about the past was boring, I followed

Mako-chan's example and Artemis's advice to rejoin sports, specifically

volleyball.

	Asai-kun was overjoyed to see me back, and right away I fell into

rhythm with the team. Even though Asai-kun has long since broken up with his

girlfriend, I don't pursue him. Unlike Ami-chan and Mako-chan, having a

boyfriend doesn't seem that that important right now. Love is an uphill

battle, and I'm taking a break to refill before attacking again. I need this

time for myself, because if you don't love yourself, how can you love 

someone

else?

	Okay, that's big talk, and maybe I'm cheating a little...He he he! It

can't hurt to flirt though, can it? Well, not much anyway.

	Anyway, I have to fight the boys off! I've never been in such good

physical shape! Even for me, I look hot! Between volleyball and the dancing

lessons, I'm getting my feminine shape...

	Oh, did I forget to tell you about that? There was this great dancing

troup in town to perform a ballet, and Ami-chan's boyfriend got us all

tickets (they're both so cultured! I'd never go to a ballet on my own!) and 

I

went with everyone, including Usagi-chan this time.

	The dances were sooo beautiful and graceful! It inspired me and I

promised myself that someday I'd be as elegant like that. So the next day, I

went to the nearby dance school and signed up for lessons.

	We figured out pretty quickly that while I may not be exactly ready

for ballet (I crashed into the other girls and broke a bar), I was 

absolutely

jammin' when it came to jazz! The way I see it, it will be a big help, just

in case that idol search ever comes back to town...

	I still stand in front of the mirror and practice acceptance speeches

for when I have to receive all the awards when I become a 

famous...well...I'm

not sure what I want to be famous for yet, there's so much! Actress, singer,

dancer, I want to do it all! Whatever it is, I'll be known world wide!

	I have only just begun to realize what a big job and how much hard

work it is. After spending all that time with the Lights...

	I haven't thought of them in a while. I wonder if they're okay...

	Anyway, I still have a dream of becoming an idol, and I didn't tell

anyone, but in my bottom drawer, I have a yellow flier that tells about the

"Tokyo Talent Star Search" that looks for bright stars...like me! They come

next month...

	I'll surprise everyone when they see my winning smile on the covers

of the magazines!



			*     *     *     *     *



	I don't know what's wrong with them all. Honestly, I've never seen

them behave so foolishly, trying so hard to escape their duties.

	Baka.

	They can't see it, can't see what's coming...but I speak with the

fire every night to see more clearly what we must face.

	Even if they can ignore their duties, I cannot. They think that just

because we can't transform, it's over. They don't listen when I try to tell

them that danger is coming! Even Haruka-san and Michiru-san...I thought that

at least they would care...

	It doesn't matter. If I will be the only one to fight, then so be it.

They will come around, eventually.

	I hope it won't be too late.

	Sometimes I wish I could just let go of this burden and join them in

their normal lives. It's so hard, doing this alone. But they won't listen!

Mako-chan tells me it's all in my head, that I'm creating my own demons out

of past ones. And though I didn't tell her so, I wonder if maybe she's 

right.

No one senses this threat but me. We've always been aware of danger...

	Unless, like our transformations, that ability is gone as well...

Either way, I can't ignore it!

	Well, I'm not the only one, I think Usagi feels it too. She's never

come right out and said anything, but...She senses something. She's started

to act very strangely. Usagi comes to the shrine a lot and we just talk. She

tells me that she's worried, but never what about. She says she often feels

sick, but something always prevents her from actually saying anything that

could give me a clue as to how to help her.

	She's so innocent, she shouldn't be going through this.

	But I also think that we've been trying to protect her for so long,

and there are some things she just has to do herself. I think she's finally

growing up, learning about loss and love and what it means to be an adult,

and it's very hard on her.

	She didn't take well to Seiya-kun's leaving. I'm still not sure that

I should have told Mamoru-san about that...He says he hasn't mentioned it

once to her, but even so...He's only human, he must wonder.

	What if?



				*     *     *     *     *



	Even now, when I'm sitting safe from the cold outside and warm in my

own bed with the little bunny sheets my mom gave me when I was little. Even

now, talking with Luna, who has helped me through all of my problems in the

past and who I trust to tell even the deepest secrets of my heart. Even now,

with the sounds and smells of Mom cooking breakfast and making my mouth 

water

but I'm still so sleepy that I don't want to get up and I feel so full and

happy that I could burst.

	There is still some part inside of me that is darkness.

	As much as I do, as hard as I try, I can't hide it from myself. Even

the others are beginning to see it too...I think maybe it's always been 

there

and maybe I just didn't notice it until now.

	Even the brightest lights cast shadows.

	I tried to ignore it at first, pretend like nothing was wrong, but...

	Even when I am surrounded by my friends, I feel lonely. I think maybe

it has to do with the Starlights being gone...Even though it's been a long

time since they left...

	I gave so much to Seiya, I feel like some piece of me is missing.

	Sometimes, at the strangest moments, I sort of lose control. It's

like someone else has taken over...

	No, I'm lying to myself now, I wish it was like that, but it's even

worse. I yell at my friends for little things, and sometimes I even snap at

my parents for unimportant stuff. I don't know why it happens, but I know 

I'm

doing it and I know when I'm going to, because I start to feel annoyed at

nothing and grouch around. I feel real anger at people for no reason.

	I hate it! I can't stop myself from feeling this way! I've never felt

this resentment towards the others before, but sometimes it's hard to be

around them.

	Ami-chan is drifting away. It's like she's not even a part of the

team anymore. Even when I'm with her, she talks about people and things I

have no connection to, and when I tell them I don't get it, the others just

laugh and go on, not even bothering to stop and try to explain, like it's

just assumed I won't get it! I hate it when they do that!

	... ...

	There I go again. But I can't stop it.

	And the headaches... They're so terrible, sometimes I have to put my

head down and rest. They come so frequently now, at least once a day, 

usually

when I have actually loosened up and feel good and am having fun with the

others like we used to.

	The teacher even held me after class once to ask my if I was having

problems at home. I told him no and left.

	I couldn't tell him that I was the problem, could I?

	Even with Mamo-chan, things aren't doing well. We fight now, and

we've never fought before! It doesn't last very long because he never wants

to fight and will do almost anything to please me...

	And the star locket...

	I feel so guilty! I'm such a horrible person, to do all of these

horrible things! I know why I've lost the power to become Sailor Moon, it's

because I couldn't handle the power anymore! No one will believe in me if

this continues! How can a hateful person like me run a kingdom and raise a

child?!

	... ...

	Well, okay. Maybe that's a little severe, but the doubts and worries

come so fast and quick it's hard to control them.

	I want to love everyone, but this golden hate forms a barrier around

my true self and my true heart...

	Unless... ...this is the real me...



				*     *     *     *     *



	A streak of light shoots across the sky; a fallen star leaves a

momentary trail of radiance across the blackness, before it fades.

				*     *     *     *     *

	Taking a deep breath, Seiya slowly stood. Unbalanced for a moment, he

steadied himself on a nearby tree until his body readjusted to this

unfamiliar atmosphere. Looking around, he realized that he was in Tenth

Street Park, a place familiar to him from his former life.

	He looked back to the tree he was still touching. The rough bark

scratched against his palm. A sudden gust of wind blew, and small, crimson

leaves, shaken loose, slowly floated to the ground around him, filling the

air with their tangy scent.

	Beginning to smile, his face broke out into a wide grin and he

laughed until his stomach ached and he had to lean against the tree once

more. Looking around again and again, a feeling of pure, unrestrained

happiness washed over him, and whistling a tune, he began walking.

	It took him quite a while longer to arrive than he had expected,

since he walked very slowly to be able to take in everything, and the moon

was high and full in the opaque sky before he finally stopped.

	Seiya sighed, looking up at the window he knew was hers. The curtains

were drawn and the room was dark. A wistful smile crossed his face as he

remembered standing outside on that very spot, on nights warmer than this,

talking to her about her day and the funny things that Minako had said and

other insignificant bits of their lives from then.

	Suddenly, he regretted coming here this late. *I don't want to wake

her, but...I've come hundreds of thousands of miles to see her, I can't 

leave

without doing something...*

	Frowning, he thinks. Slowly, his brow smoothed, and he lifted his

head. Closing his eyes, he opened his mouth and began to sing.

			*     *     *     *     *

	Usagi sighed, turning over and pulling the covers with her. Murmuring

softly, "Oh, Mamo-chan, a cake? Delicious..." One arm falls of the bed to

dangle in the air.

	In an instant she was awake and sitting straight up, listening carefully, 

all traces of sleep gone from her eyes. Looking at the closed drapes with a 

wide stare, one hand slid to touch her lips.

	"Se...Seiya?"

	Flinging the blankets off roughly, she darted to the window and

pitched it open, running onto the balcony and leaning over so far that he 

was

afraid she would fall off. She stared at him, her breath coming in small

gasps of white mist in the cold midnight air.

	Abruptly the singing stopped. There was a moment of silence as they

stared at each other.

	* can't believe it! I can't believe it! This must be a dream!*

	Seiya, breaking into the familiar grin that Usagi remembered best,

raised an arm and waved. "Oy, Odango! It's a beautiful night, isn't it?"

	Usagi stared at him in frozen amazement, still in disbelief.

	Seiya scrunched his face, looking at her, and placed one hand on his

hip. "What's wrong with you? Aren't you glad to see your favorite singer?" 

he

asked in mock annoyance.

	Slowly, Usagi began to giggle, and feeling a joyful tear roll down

her cheek, her giggling evolved into uncontrollable, delighted laughter.

"Seiya!" she cried through her tears. "Seiya!"

	She shot back into her room and sped down the stairs, throwing open

the door. Running into the night, he caught her as she ran, holding her just

as tightly as she was hugging him. Through the tears and the laughter, she

managed to sob, "Seiya! You've finally returned home!"

	His eyebrows raised in surprise, then his face softened, and he

buried his face in her hair.

	"Home...yes... Home."



*     *     *     *     *



	AH HAH HA! The incredible Hoshi-sama has done it again!!! YES! Score

one for me! Oh, yeah, and Sora-chan too.....hehehehehe! Yes folks it's true,

Seiya is BAAAAAACK! Oh yeah, oh yeah, it's true, you know it! ......

	>WHACK!<

	Sorry about that. I get a little crazy sometimes. (Sora-chan:

"Sometimes?!") =^_^= Oh, gomen to all the people who think that now because

he's back and Usagi is having problems with Mamoru that she's gonna jump 

into

his arms or that Seiya is going to 'rescue' her from the EVIL Mamo-chan,

cause THAT AIN'T THE WAIT IT GOES!  Sorry! That would be tooooooo easy! Now

maybe there's a chance that Usagi won't end up with Mamoru...heh heh

heh......ooooh Hoshi-chan, you're EEEEEVIL! HA HA HA!!! That is the power of

the writer! Off to write more, Ja!

	Write to us at Kaelali_su@hotmail.com. We want you to, really. Even

the bad stuff! If you didn't like one part or you think we went out of

character at some point, let us know! We are forever straining towards

perfection! But we like the good stuff too! Write us a sentence or a novel

about whatever you like, dislike, what you think should happen, etc. etc.